peaches and personal revelation

I first learned that God listened to my prayers through a hamster.  His name was Peaches.  My family named him this because he had orange fur, and his little bum looked just like a peach.  It was unanimous.

Peaches died a tragic death by marshmallow peep.  He found his way into my brother's Easter basket and thought he'd try eating one which expanded in his body and asphyxiated him until dead.  Like I said, tragic.  I've never really understood Peeps.  White, fluffy sugar covered in more sugar, just colorful this time, shaped like bunnies and baby birds.  Anyway, I digress. 

Before his passing, Peaches and I were thick as thieves.  The only trouble was, hamsters are small.  At the tender age of 7, I wasn't very skilled at keeping track of the day of the week, let alone small items such as hamsters.  I used to place him in random spots, like my sock drawer, and forget about him.  A few hours later I would realize -- the hamster was lost. 

This was typically followed by complete chaos, caused by my entire family's efforts to find our lost Peaches.  When I had exhausted every place I could think of, and resorted to shameless tears, I had a thought.  If anybody knew where my hamster was, it was God.  I mean, he knew lots of things, right?

I said a prayer, Please help us find Peaches.  Every time, without fail, Peaches turned up in a matter of minutes.  And that's how I knew.  God knew me.  He wanted to help.  He was generally easy to get a hold of.  He listened, he answered, he cared.

Last night, I felt a bit nostalgic.  The cat made a mad dash out the front door as we opened it for some visitors. She ran and ran, father than we had ever seen her run, through a neighbor's yard and into the dark of the night.  We knew we wouldn't be able to sleep until she was home safe, especially with a thunderstorm rolling in.  We had to find her, and quick.  And might I add how happy I was at this point that she was a cat and not a hamster.

After about an hour of walking around with flashlights, jingling bells, shaking bags of food, calling out, "Kitty kiiittyyy!" and a bunch of other things that I'm sure were sincerely concerning to our neighbors, we were at a loss.  Drew stood on the back porch, slumped his shoulders, said, "What do we do?"

"I don't know..."

Wait, yes I do.  "How about we say a prayer."

He nodded.  We walked to our room, knelt down by our bed, and I said a simple prayer.  Please help us to find our cute little kitty.  We like her.  

After that, we decided to go sit out on the porch, wait for her to come to us.  I went to grab my book, and heard Drew say, "Hey, there she is!"  He was holding her when he walked inside and locked the front door, said, "Well that was fast."

My body had long since given up on convincing my mind to sleep.  Cheeks burning with tears, throat aching from failed efforts to hold them in.  I told you that I was tired.  That I couldn't spend another day trying to outrun this weight that had settled in my head and heart.

You said that I had work to do, and things to let go of.  I had habits to abandon; I'd never make it with them present.

I protested.  I said I had grown too attached, that they had become apart of me by now.  I told you that I was afraid I wouldn't recognize myself without them.  And I heard your answer before it was even said.

"What makes you think that would be such a bad thing?"

today.

We went to the temple.  We didn't make it there as often as we wanted or as much as we should have last month.

I felt so different from how I've felt lately.  So unlike the self I've warped into.  I felt warm.  There was no analyzing, no neurotic thoughts.  I wasn't concerned with what I looked like or what anyone else thought of me.  I looked across the room and only saw friendly, smiling faces.  I looked at Drew, and his eyes had that extra shot of blue in them.  Something about all of the white and the lighting, maybe.  They always look bluer there.

I can't name another single place where I feel more like myself than inside of the temple, like the person I was created to be.

Nowhere else do I feel more admiration and love for my husband.  For everyone I know.

Nowhere else do I feel like who I am and what I am is completely satisfactory.

Nowhere else do I feel this sense of confidence, that my potential is endless from the perspective of God.

And that's the whole, complete truth.

prayer.

Too often, we consider prayer strictly as a way to ask heaven for things.  We see it as an outlet for our wish lists and last-minute demands.  Afterward, if we don't get whatever it was that we prayed for, we assume that our prayer wasn't answered.  We assume that God decided to ignore this one or, with his busy schedule, maybe even forgot about us.

But the fact is that every single prayer that has ever been uttered from the lips of man since the beginning of their existence has been answered.  Most people just don't see it that way because they didn't get what they wanted from the conversation.  The purpose of prayer is not to tell God and the hosts of heaven what we want.  It is not to give orders to God, like we would to a waiter at a sit-down restaurant.  Prayer is not a letter to Santa Clause.  The purpose of prayer is to figure out what God wants for us.

God always answers prayers.  What we must understand in order to have a sincere conversation with Him is that the answer to even the most heartfelt prayer is not always the answer we want.  Sometimes, and maybe more often than that, what we want isn't necessarily best for us.  Sometimes the answers is, "No."

This was one of the single most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen in my life.  At least I'm pretty sure.  Unfortunately I can't remember every sunset I've ever seen.  But if I could, it would be awesome. I'd probably look at them all of the time.

The Best Gifts.

There is this difference between open-minded and open to anything.  You're under the impression that this is setting you apart.  But that's the kind of thinking that got you lost in the first place.

D&C 46: 7-8

7: "But ye are commanded in all things to ask of God, who giveth liberally; and that which the Spirit testifies unto you even so I would that ye should do in all holiness of heart, walking uprightly before me, considering the end of your salvation, doing all things with prayer and thanksgiving, that ye may not be seduced by evil spirits, or doctrines of devils, or the commandments of men; for some are of men and others of devils."

        -Ask of God: Pray, include Him in your choices and struggles; He gives liberally, and has the answer.

        -Follow the Spirit, do what it tells you.

        -Holiness of heart: honesty, sincerity.

        -Walk uprightly: clear conscience; guilt-free

        -Consider the end of your salvation: THINK before you DO; make choices based on what you want most, not just what you want right NOW; consider what God wants for you, realize that is what will make you happiest (even if you don't see how right now), and make the choice He wants for you.  If it isn't what you want, continue to do this over time,  and it will be what you want, too.

        -All things with prayer and thanksgiving: Include God, and thank Him; be grateful in general - you're blessed.

        -Seduced: flattered and enticed; it isn't unenjoyable to make wrong choices, that's why so many people...make them.

        -Why do this stuff?  To avoid being deceived and lead away from the truth, and being convinced of "doctrines of devils," which is anything contrary to the word of God.

8: "Wherefore, beware lest ye are deceived; and that ye may not be deceived seek ye earnestly the best gifts, always remembering for what they are given,"



favorites.

"O all ye that are pure in heart, 

lift up your heads and receive the 

pleasing word of God, 

and feast upon his love; 

for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever."

-Jacob 3:2

"It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; 

yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious unto me."

-Alma 32:28

"...Bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success."

-Alma 26:27

"And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin.  If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness.  And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness.  And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery.  And if these things are not there is no God.  

And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away."

-2 Nephi 2:13

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and in order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

-Mosiah 4:27

"..Wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard,for it cutteth them to the very center."

-1Nephi 6:2

"The pleasing word of God, yea, the word which healeth the wounded soul."

-Jacob 2:8

"For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry."

--2Nephi 33:3

"..If I do not, by any means, get shaken from my firmness in the spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you."

-Jacob 4:18

"But let patience have her perfect work,that ye may be perfect and entire,wanting nothing."

-James 1:4

"Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions."

-1Nephi 18:16

"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."

-D&C 24:8

"And that which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."

-D&C 50:24

"And the light which shineth, which giveth you light,is through him who enlighteneth your eyes,which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings."

-D&C 88:11

"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee."

-3Nephi 22:10

"...They were numbered among the people of Christ; and their names were taken, that they might be remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way, to keep them continually watchful unto prayer, relying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith."

-Moroni 6:4

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam,and will be for ever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint

through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive,meek, humble, patient, full of love,willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

-Mosiah 3:19

"Scriptures are like packets of light that illuminate our minds and give place to guidance and inspiration from on high." -Richard G. Scott

"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior." -Boyd K. Packer

I spent my entire adolescence
convinced I was a transient,
a wanderer who could never stick around
long enough to earn a name.
As it turns out, I wasn't wandering at all.
It's just that none of those around me
were headed the same way.

This light in my arms, this delicate consistence,
I've nourished it and protected it
in every way I know how.
There were times I thought I knew better.
Let me save you some work -
acting on this thought process never works out.

And I keep pushing this body forward,
now I'm running through the pain.
I keep shedding what could never stretch as far.
You'd understand if you compared the loss to the gain.
You'd understand if you would only dare to ask,
"at what cost am I losing His name?"

Because I have a knowledge of this,
of where this soul fits,
of why my stomach turns
when I lose the balance.

And I can't say I miss it,
all that time spent placing our priorities
in complete disarray.
I will say I thought you'd be here,
the way you expected me to speak,
the way you expected me to at least act complete,
the manner in which you examined truth
and untruth with me.

So here lay the remains
of what would never stretch far enough,
of what only attempted to deceive.
I've cut the cords that held me in this stupor.
It seems I've been shaken.
I'm awake now,
My first real breath is being taken in.
These eyes have been opened after a deep, deep sleep.

sanctify

to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate.

You've kept your distance from me.
And I know that it's most likely because
I get too much sleep,
my organizational skills are lacking,
or because I wear this shirt three days a week.

I don't take time to make my hair shine,
bounce, poof or fluff.
My face is never painted up.
I don't have an extensive wardrobe
or any of that stuff.
But each night I kneel down,
and I hear it so clearly:
"My Daughter, it is enough."

2 Ne 26:

V 10. "...and they sell themselves for naught; for, for 

the reward of their pride and their 

foolishness they shall reap destruction..."

Nothing is worth it unless it's God's.  Anything else leads to destruction, aka: suffering, misery, etc.

11.  "For the Spirit of the Lord will 

not always strive with man.  And 

when the Spirit ceaseth to strive

with man then cometh speedy 

destruction, and this grieveth my soul."

The Spirit doesn't make us do or feel anything.  It is our choice to be worthy of the presence of the Spirit.  When we choose not to have it with us, we don't live like we were meant to.  We don't have time not to have it; we have too much to do.  Make the choice to become who you were meant to be, who you want to be.

13.  "And that he manifesteth himself

unto all those who believe in him,

by the power of the Holy Ghost...

according to their faith."

He wants us to know him.  We know Him through the Spirit, which we must live worthily to have with us.  The Spirit gives us knowledge of him through our faith, which makes all of this possible.

15.  "... and all those who have  

dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten."

Mercy.  Comfort makes no demand for perfection.

28.  "Behold, hath the Lord 

commanded any that they should not

partake of his goodness?  Behold, I

say unto you, Nay; but all men are

privileged the one like unto the other,

and none are forbidden."

Again, He invites us to know Him.  No person is exempt from the love of God.

31.  "But the laborer in Zion shall 

labor for Zion; for if they labor for

money they shall perish."

Work because you love God.  Working for anything else leads to disappointment.

33.  "For none of these iniquities 

come of the Lord; for he doeth that

which is good among the children of

men; and he doeth nothing save it

be plain unto the children of men;

and he inviteth them all to come

unto him and partake of his good-

ness; and he denieth none that come

unto him, black and white, bond

and free, male and female; and he

remembereth the heathen; and all

are alike unto God, both Jew and

Gentile."

The loving nature of our Father.  It really isn't such a mystery.

Simple. Not even easy.

“How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken.  Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art!  Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!’”  -Elder Neal A. Maxwell

When I first read this quote, I laughed.  I read it today, and felt like shooting myself in the foot in an attempt to clear these endless concerns with myself from my brain.  There was no actual shooting, I'm not that committed, but I found that I've lost any sense of gratitude lately.  I had this idea in my head that I wasn't "doing anything wrong", therefore everything should be working out perfectly.  Don't get me wrong, because I do feel I deserve a lot.  But what am I doing here if I'm not learning or growing in any way?  

I was reading in Ether, Chapter 12 the other night, and came upon this verse:

4.  Wherefore, whoso believeth in 

God might with a surety hope for a 

better world, yea, even a place at

the right hand of God, which hope

cometh of faith, maketh an anchor

to the souls of men, which would

make them sure and steadfast,

always abounding in good works,

being led to glorify God.

I was feeling a loss of hope for a bright future.  I didn't feel like my family would ever be whole or "normal" again.  I didn't understand why people didn't seem to see me as worth their time.  I mean, I'm a nice girl, I should have an overwhelming amount of people wanting to be around me, right?  So where are they?  And why can't I afford nice clothes like that girl, and why can't my house be sparkling clean without me doing any work, and why can't I at least have a really outgoing personality, or have a good hair day for once,  and why don't I have everything I want right now?  I deserve it.  I'm entitled to it.  Right?

6.  ...faith is in things which are hoped for 

and not seen; wherefore, dispute 

not because ye see not, for ye

receive no witness until after the

trial of your faith.

Just like the quote I began this entry with, I had heard this scripture so many times I couldn't even count.  I read scriptures everyday, and I begin to think that means I know all they have to offer.  This scripture was very humbling; I don't know a fraction of it.  I get so caught up in what I want now, I forget what I want most.  Hoping for a brighter future, for a more wholesome family situation, for a clean house, for good friends who care, is a blessing.  The fact that I know these things are possible (as long as they are righteous desires) through living the right way and staying close to the Lord is a huge blessing.  Hoping for these things is a blessing.  I shouldn't complain because I don't see it right now.  I need to have faith in that my Creator knows who I am, better than I do.  He will lead me to who I'm supposed to be, who I came here to be.  It is prideful to think that I know who I am, and where I am meant to be better than the Lord does.  He knows, and He wants to show me.

9.  Wherefore, ye may also have

hope, and be partakers of the gift, 

if ye will but have faith.

I just need to remember to ask, and be humble enough to hear the answer.  One of my old friends sent me a quote in a letter while he was on his mission:  "Patience is the capacity to endure trouble, delay, opposition or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated or anxious.  It is the ability to do God's will and accept His timing." This is found in PMG, chapter six.  It applies to almost every situation, if you think about it.  The trick is...to think about it.

12.  For if there be no faith among

the children of men God can do no

miracle among them...

If you want to see results, have faith that the results will come.  If you want God to do something for you, let Him.  He can't do anything for you if you don't have faith that He can.  In 3 Nephi chapter 17, Christ is about to leave the Nephites (v 4), but He has compassion upon them, and tarries with them a little longer.  I find that so powerful.  It's something so small and so simple.  Yet, a lot of the time that's really all I need from others - just to stay...because they want to stay with me, because they sincerely enjoy my company.  Anyway, Christ stays with them, and says in verse 7 to bring any among them who are afflicted in any manner to Him.  "I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you (v 8)."

So, basically, I'm human.  No surprises here.  I love the scriptures.  I love the gospel.  I don't want to know who I would be without it.  This is the only place that I find real, lasting peace.  It's something no one can truly understand until they feel it, and it is easily forgotten.  Sometimes I forget.  That's probably why "remember" is the most used word in the scriptures.  Go figure.  "REMEMBER, and perish not."  -Msh 4: 30.

"But let patience have her

perfect work, that ye may

be perfect and entire,

wanting nothing.."

-James 1:4

never having to answer to anyone - '09

I am certain, and know of a surety that this life is full up to the brim with purpose. All kinds. There are times when it's difficult to recognize. But it is there. This world. The mountains. Trees. Sunrises. Sunsets. Rocks. Dirt. All of it is here for us (everyone) to enjoy. There is a God, and He loves and cares for me more than I can even comprehend, or begin to. If I lived with the smallest fraction of that love in my heart everyday, I'm sure that I would never treat another person wrongly again. Because love is that strong.

"And we have known and felt the love that God hath to us. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him."

I know I am cared for and loved. I know I have an extremely specific purpose here. There is no such thing as coincidence. There is nobody else in existence who can fulfill and do what I am meant to do. I live my life the way I do because of these reasons. I get out of bed everyday because I know God is God, and there is work he needs me to do.

There are those who may say that believing these things is the easy way out. It makes life easier, to believe that we cared for and loved. Almost as if this opinion is "protecting" us from the harsh "reality" that there is no purpose, there is no one watching over us, hoping that I'll return to them. But it is just the opposite.

Yes, living a good life does make many things so much more simple, so much less of a burden to carry. Knowing Heavenly Father, and also knowing that He loves me, no matter what I do, no matter what mistake I make, does make life a lot easier to exist in. But that doesn't mean, in any way, shape or form that life doesn't come with just as many challenges. It isn't always easy to have faith. It isn't always easy to make the better choice. It isn't quite so effortless to humble myself, and pray, admitting that I am nothing without my Father. It is not an easy task to spend time on prayer and studying when there is so much more to do with my time. That isn't easy. It is so worth it. But not easy.

Easy: not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort; free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care; not harsh or strict; lenient; not burdensome or oppressive; not difficult to influence or overcome; compliant.

I'll tell you what's easy. Laying down, and giving in to any wind or driving force that is attempting to push you, that's easy. It's easy to give in to any temptation that comes your way. It's so much easier to live everyday with no purpose, to simply breathe air, and exist, without the slightest thought of what's next. It's so easy to believe that there is no one who cares what you do - because that way you can do whatever. That way, it doesn't matter. That way, it's EASY.