misc.

"Hope on. Journey on. 

Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, 

but first and forever 

fan the flame of your faith, 

because all things are possible 

to them that believe."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

Drew finally came home yesterday, after deserting me*.  Which means I was actually able to get a good night's sleep for the first time in FOREVER.**

It's kind of pathetic, really.  I used to sleep alone every single night of my life and everything went fine.  Now I have to wear one of Drew's shirts and leave lights on, and not even that works.

Before Drew happened, I planned on living all alone in a classy studio apartment...in New York, or somewhere else edgy, until I was at least 28.  When I think about that now, I just laugh. 

Oh, and I didn't end up getting that promotion, in case anyone cares.  I took it harder than I should have, mostly because the news came on the week of the month where I'm incapable of handling most anything emotionally.  You know.

Seriously.  It was so dramatic.  The only thing I can compare it to is the feeling of getting dumped. Where you feel sad and heavy and sorry for yourself all day long.  And you might be able to take your mind off of it here and there, but then you remember.  And it's like you just heard the news for the first time all over again.  And you can't stop talking about it to everyone and anyone who gives you eye contact.  This can go on for any number of days.  And did.  But I'm better now.

If you're like me, and your guilty pleasure is acoustic guitar, poetic lyrics and haunting melodies, you should really listen to this guy.  He just released a new album, and I'm obsessed.  It's the perfect rainy day music, but I listen to it every other day too.  It makes Drew want to fall asleep.

I'm getting seriously annoyed with being a grown-up in the Summertime.  In any other season, it's still generally bothersome, but not nearly to this degree.  I need outdoor adventures involving tan lines, swim suits, sunglasses, questionably-colored lake water, boat fuel, and not wearing pants!  Don't you understand?  But I'm just sitting in a chair.  In jeans!

*going on a business trip
**meaning two whole entire days

along the way.

If you want to donate to support the people injured and affected by the events in Boston yesterday, feel free to click here. Every little bit helps.

does anything in the world look happier than sidewalk chalk?

Church callings are funny things.

They push me out of my comfort zone, and teach me things I doubt I would have learned otherwise.  It's a struggle, but a rewarding one.  Especially when I see the reactions from people who have known me for quite a while.

"Wait, you got up before eleven on a Saturday?"

"Wait, you baked?  Actually baked home goods from ingredients?  In the kitchen?"

"You seriously sat in a room full of 10-year-olds and didn't have a break down?"

Why, yes.  Yes I did. I still have a lot of growing to do, but I'm getting more comfortable with the whole process. 

I decided I really like kids at this age.  The girls at least.  Boys seem a bit out of control.  These are a few of the girls I teach in Sunday School and for Activity Days.  They're hilarious.  I'm always surprised by how much attitude and personality they have.  Now anyone who walks past our apartment can learn some very important lessons along the way.  I know I have.

These lessons include but are not limited to, "Don't play with matches," "Be happy with yourself," and "Don't smoke."  Incredibly wise. 

today.

We went to the temple.  We didn't make it there as often as we wanted or as much as we should have last month.

I felt so different from how I've felt lately.  So unlike the self I've warped into.  I felt warm.  There was no analyzing, no neurotic thoughts.  I wasn't concerned with what I looked like or what anyone else thought of me.  I looked across the room and only saw friendly, smiling faces.  I looked at Drew, and his eyes had that extra shot of blue in them.  Something about all of the white and the lighting, maybe.  They always look bluer there.

I can't name another single place where I feel more like myself than inside of the temple, like the person I was created to be.

Nowhere else do I feel more admiration and love for my husband.  For everyone I know.

Nowhere else do I feel like who I am and what I am is completely satisfactory.

Nowhere else do I feel this sense of confidence, that my potential is endless from the perspective of God.

And that's the whole, complete truth.

none.

"The Savior again gives a brief response, but with relentless scrutiny He asks for the third time, 'Peter, do you love me?' By now surely Peter is feeling truly uncomfortable. Perhaps there is in his heart the memory of only a few days earlier when he had been asked another question three times and he had answered equally emphatically—but in the negative. Or perhaps he began to wonder if he misunderstood the Master Teacher’s question. Or perhaps he was searching his heart, seeking honest confirmation of the answer he had given so readily, almost automatically. Whatever his feelings, Peter said for the third time, “Lord, … thou knowest that I love thee.”

“'Then Peter, why are you here? Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn’t it obvious then and isn’t it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish? What I need, Peter, are disciples—and I need them forever. I need someone to feed my sheep and save my lambs. I need someone to preach my gospel and defend my faith. I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me, and loves what our Father in Heaven has commissioned me to do. Ours is not a feeble message. It is not a fleeting task. It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history. It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world. So, Peter, for the second and presumably the last time, I am asking you to leave all this and to go teach and testify, labor and serve loyally until the day in which they will do to you exactly what they did to me.'”

"...My beloved brothers and sisters, I am not certain just what our experience will be on Judgment Day, but I will be very surprised if at some point in that conversation, God does not ask us exactly what Christ asked Peter: 'Did you love me?' I think He will want to know if in our very mortal, very inadequate, and sometimes childish grasp of things, did we at least understand one commandment, the first and greatest commandment of them all—'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind.' And if at such a moment we can stammer out, 'Yea, Lord, thou knowest that I love thee,' then He may remind us that the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty.

“'^...If ye love me, keep my commandments,' Jesus said. So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do. In short, we have a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating our love of the Lord. We can’t quit and we can’t go back."

-E. Jeffrey R. Holland.

Read this entire talk here.

D&C 50

I always come back to it.

25:...and I say it that you may know the truth, 

that you may chase darkness from among you;

The Best Gifts.

There is this difference between open-minded and open to anything.  You're under the impression that this is setting you apart.  But that's the kind of thinking that got you lost in the first place.

D&C 46: 7-8

7: "But ye are commanded in all things to ask of God, who giveth liberally; and that which the Spirit testifies unto you even so I would that ye should do in all holiness of heart, walking uprightly before me, considering the end of your salvation, doing all things with prayer and thanksgiving, that ye may not be seduced by evil spirits, or doctrines of devils, or the commandments of men; for some are of men and others of devils."

        -Ask of God: Pray, include Him in your choices and struggles; He gives liberally, and has the answer.

        -Follow the Spirit, do what it tells you.

        -Holiness of heart: honesty, sincerity.

        -Walk uprightly: clear conscience; guilt-free

        -Consider the end of your salvation: THINK before you DO; make choices based on what you want most, not just what you want right NOW; consider what God wants for you, realize that is what will make you happiest (even if you don't see how right now), and make the choice He wants for you.  If it isn't what you want, continue to do this over time,  and it will be what you want, too.

        -All things with prayer and thanksgiving: Include God, and thank Him; be grateful in general - you're blessed.

        -Seduced: flattered and enticed; it isn't unenjoyable to make wrong choices, that's why so many people...make them.

        -Why do this stuff?  To avoid being deceived and lead away from the truth, and being convinced of "doctrines of devils," which is anything contrary to the word of God.

8: "Wherefore, beware lest ye are deceived; and that ye may not be deceived seek ye earnestly the best gifts, always remembering for what they are given,"



favorites.

"O all ye that are pure in heart, 

lift up your heads and receive the 

pleasing word of God, 

and feast upon his love; 

for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever."

-Jacob 3:2

"It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; 

yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious unto me."

-Alma 32:28

"...Bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success."

-Alma 26:27

"And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin.  If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness.  And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness.  And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery.  And if these things are not there is no God.  

And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away."

-2 Nephi 2:13

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and in order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

-Mosiah 4:27

"..Wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard,for it cutteth them to the very center."

-1Nephi 6:2

"The pleasing word of God, yea, the word which healeth the wounded soul."

-Jacob 2:8

"For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry."

--2Nephi 33:3

"..If I do not, by any means, get shaken from my firmness in the spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you."

-Jacob 4:18

"But let patience have her perfect work,that ye may be perfect and entire,wanting nothing."

-James 1:4

"Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions."

-1Nephi 18:16

"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."

-D&C 24:8

"And that which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."

-D&C 50:24

"And the light which shineth, which giveth you light,is through him who enlighteneth your eyes,which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings."

-D&C 88:11

"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee."

-3Nephi 22:10

"...They were numbered among the people of Christ; and their names were taken, that they might be remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way, to keep them continually watchful unto prayer, relying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith."

-Moroni 6:4

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam,and will be for ever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint

through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive,meek, humble, patient, full of love,willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

-Mosiah 3:19

"Scriptures are like packets of light that illuminate our minds and give place to guidance and inspiration from on high." -Richard G. Scott

"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior." -Boyd K. Packer

2 Ne 26:

V 10. "...and they sell themselves for naught; for, for 

the reward of their pride and their 

foolishness they shall reap destruction..."

Nothing is worth it unless it's God's.  Anything else leads to destruction, aka: suffering, misery, etc.

11.  "For the Spirit of the Lord will 

not always strive with man.  And 

when the Spirit ceaseth to strive

with man then cometh speedy 

destruction, and this grieveth my soul."

The Spirit doesn't make us do or feel anything.  It is our choice to be worthy of the presence of the Spirit.  When we choose not to have it with us, we don't live like we were meant to.  We don't have time not to have it; we have too much to do.  Make the choice to become who you were meant to be, who you want to be.

13.  "And that he manifesteth himself

unto all those who believe in him,

by the power of the Holy Ghost...

according to their faith."

He wants us to know him.  We know Him through the Spirit, which we must live worthily to have with us.  The Spirit gives us knowledge of him through our faith, which makes all of this possible.

15.  "... and all those who have  

dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten."

Mercy.  Comfort makes no demand for perfection.

28.  "Behold, hath the Lord 

commanded any that they should not

partake of his goodness?  Behold, I

say unto you, Nay; but all men are

privileged the one like unto the other,

and none are forbidden."

Again, He invites us to know Him.  No person is exempt from the love of God.

31.  "But the laborer in Zion shall 

labor for Zion; for if they labor for

money they shall perish."

Work because you love God.  Working for anything else leads to disappointment.

33.  "For none of these iniquities 

come of the Lord; for he doeth that

which is good among the children of

men; and he doeth nothing save it

be plain unto the children of men;

and he inviteth them all to come

unto him and partake of his good-

ness; and he denieth none that come

unto him, black and white, bond

and free, male and female; and he

remembereth the heathen; and all

are alike unto God, both Jew and

Gentile."

The loving nature of our Father.  It really isn't such a mystery.

Simple. Not even easy.

“How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken.  Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art!  Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!’”  -Elder Neal A. Maxwell

When I first read this quote, I laughed.  I read it today, and felt like shooting myself in the foot in an attempt to clear these endless concerns with myself from my brain.  There was no actual shooting, I'm not that committed, but I found that I've lost any sense of gratitude lately.  I had this idea in my head that I wasn't "doing anything wrong", therefore everything should be working out perfectly.  Don't get me wrong, because I do feel I deserve a lot.  But what am I doing here if I'm not learning or growing in any way?  

I was reading in Ether, Chapter 12 the other night, and came upon this verse:

4.  Wherefore, whoso believeth in 

God might with a surety hope for a 

better world, yea, even a place at

the right hand of God, which hope

cometh of faith, maketh an anchor

to the souls of men, which would

make them sure and steadfast,

always abounding in good works,

being led to glorify God.

I was feeling a loss of hope for a bright future.  I didn't feel like my family would ever be whole or "normal" again.  I didn't understand why people didn't seem to see me as worth their time.  I mean, I'm a nice girl, I should have an overwhelming amount of people wanting to be around me, right?  So where are they?  And why can't I afford nice clothes like that girl, and why can't my house be sparkling clean without me doing any work, and why can't I at least have a really outgoing personality, or have a good hair day for once,  and why don't I have everything I want right now?  I deserve it.  I'm entitled to it.  Right?

6.  ...faith is in things which are hoped for 

and not seen; wherefore, dispute 

not because ye see not, for ye

receive no witness until after the

trial of your faith.

Just like the quote I began this entry with, I had heard this scripture so many times I couldn't even count.  I read scriptures everyday, and I begin to think that means I know all they have to offer.  This scripture was very humbling; I don't know a fraction of it.  I get so caught up in what I want now, I forget what I want most.  Hoping for a brighter future, for a more wholesome family situation, for a clean house, for good friends who care, is a blessing.  The fact that I know these things are possible (as long as they are righteous desires) through living the right way and staying close to the Lord is a huge blessing.  Hoping for these things is a blessing.  I shouldn't complain because I don't see it right now.  I need to have faith in that my Creator knows who I am, better than I do.  He will lead me to who I'm supposed to be, who I came here to be.  It is prideful to think that I know who I am, and where I am meant to be better than the Lord does.  He knows, and He wants to show me.

9.  Wherefore, ye may also have

hope, and be partakers of the gift, 

if ye will but have faith.

I just need to remember to ask, and be humble enough to hear the answer.  One of my old friends sent me a quote in a letter while he was on his mission:  "Patience is the capacity to endure trouble, delay, opposition or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated or anxious.  It is the ability to do God's will and accept His timing." This is found in PMG, chapter six.  It applies to almost every situation, if you think about it.  The trick is...to think about it.

12.  For if there be no faith among

the children of men God can do no

miracle among them...

If you want to see results, have faith that the results will come.  If you want God to do something for you, let Him.  He can't do anything for you if you don't have faith that He can.  In 3 Nephi chapter 17, Christ is about to leave the Nephites (v 4), but He has compassion upon them, and tarries with them a little longer.  I find that so powerful.  It's something so small and so simple.  Yet, a lot of the time that's really all I need from others - just to stay...because they want to stay with me, because they sincerely enjoy my company.  Anyway, Christ stays with them, and says in verse 7 to bring any among them who are afflicted in any manner to Him.  "I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you (v 8)."

So, basically, I'm human.  No surprises here.  I love the scriptures.  I love the gospel.  I don't want to know who I would be without it.  This is the only place that I find real, lasting peace.  It's something no one can truly understand until they feel it, and it is easily forgotten.  Sometimes I forget.  That's probably why "remember" is the most used word in the scriptures.  Go figure.  "REMEMBER, and perish not."  -Msh 4: 30.

"But let patience have her

perfect work, that ye may

be perfect and entire,

wanting nothing.."

-James 1:4