light dances

Obstructed views,
not a clue what's coming
just vague shadows and hues.

But a feeling -
never-failing
settles deep into bone.

Letting the ground form beneath
while moving forward
We formed a home

Light dances
upon concrete and stone

Here is where things are okay, even when they aren't.

finite.

"Often with humans, both good and bad, my senses simply shut off, they get tired, I give up.  I am polite.  I pretend to understand because I don't want anybody to be hurt.  That is the one weakness that has lead me into the most trouble.  Trying to be kind to others I often get my soul shredded into a kind of spiritual pasta.  No matter.  My brain shuts off.  I listen.  I respond.  And they are too dumb to know that I am not there."**
                                                                                    
                                                                                       -Charles Bukowski

Because my perspective is nothing short of limited.  Because I lack the ability to see anything beyond right this second, in front of my face.  Because I am a finite vessel.  Because I tend to forget more often than I remember.  Because all things greater than this are simply out of my reach.  Because I am nothing more than a child.

You remind me.

At first, I'm mortified.  Because how could you?  But then, for a moment, I get a glance from a more mighty perspective.  I can see that you took a good thing to give me something greater. 

And at least I remember to say Thank You most of the time. 

**Quote ripped off via.

stroll.

"Praise the spells and bless the charms

I found April in my arms.

April golden, April cloudy,

Gracious, cruel, tender, rowdy;

April soft in flowered languor,

April cold with sudden anger,

Ever changing, ever true -

I love April, I love you."

-Ogden Nash 

Spring is like a dream.  I mean, there are flowers everywhere.  It's important to savor it because in Utah, it isn't long before all of the green of life blooming around us turns to brown. Dead, dried, flammable brown.  

On a walk Saturday night, Drew and I slowly strolled, enjoying the just-right temperature and cracked, uneven sidewalks. It used to be that a trip around this city would bring back a flood of memories into my mind.  Every street sign, park or neighborhood had a story to tell about nights spent years ago with someone I don't keep in contact with anymore.  It used to make me sad.  I felt like it had all gone to waste for some reason.  But I realized as we walked that I had somehow passed that feeling up.  It didn't feel like I was walking through memories anymore.  I doubt this will make sense to anyone.  But it felt like I had been living like this, in the one bedroom next to a convenience store, taking walks and talking about the future with a husband named Drew my whole entire life. 

I studied blossoming trees, city buildings and old charming houses with well-manicured lawns.  It's hard to decide if this is a good or bad thing, but I wouldn't mind it if I never lived anywhere else. 

doable.

From 19 to 22 seems like very insignificant amount of time.  Three years is a small fraction of an average life span these days, especially with the help of modern medicine and the fact that a head cold doesn't usually mean death anymore.  It's true, from 19 to 22 can seem like no time at all.

But, take my word for it, the difference between 19 and 22 is a big one.

Trust me, the difference between them is a lot.

I've been doing this thing lately.  I think they call it cooking?  Spaghetti squash with parmesan sauce, fajita-style quesadillas slathered in guacamole.  I may have added in more pretty words to make those sound better.  But they were enjoyable.

I've even been getting the dishes done right after we finish eating...just right then and there.  Soap, water, several minutes of standing by the sink - boom! Clean kitchen.

I'm officially freaking myself out now.  Drew probably senses something is amiss as well, but I'm guessing he hasn't said anything because he's worried that it'll make me go back to normal.  And then he'll be back to doing those dishes all alone more often than I'd like to admit.  Poor chap.

Mostly I think I had been making things more difficult in my head than they really are for the past several months.  I've lived through enough winters by now to realize that cursed season does terrible things for my state of mind.  And once the trees are budding, and the sun is back whispering encouraging things in my ears, I'm suddenly a new human.  I'm enjoying sunsets and old songs and drinking in cool breezes through the window.  I've suddenly become a reasonably productive person who doesn't let the small things bother her.  And I hate it when people say things like that.

Regardless of this, I'm still me.  And for that reason, I have to be realistic.  Realistically, I'll probably be right back to my usual, over-complicated, skeptical way of thinking by the end of the week.  I'll most likely be back to dreading even the smallest, simplest tasks.  But, right now, life feels completely doable.

I like doable.

pieces of the weekend.

T'was glorious to behold.

There is just something delicious to me about that word, "weekend."  The conclusion of yet another week full of so many...life-things.  Eloquent, I know.  Just those things that come with life which can't be avoided at any cost, that make me stop, and sigh, and at mid-sigh say, "Life..."  Because that's just it.  There is nobody to blame and nothing to do other than to keep trudging on through the thick and the thin landscape of this life.  This existence.  That I both love and loathe, depending on the day or the minute or the hour.

The sunlight brought to us a charge, a sense of "we-must-do."  And so, naturally, we cleaned the house.  We organized the medicine cabinet and swept floors, did the dishes and wiped off counter tops, vacuumed carpets and scrubbed toilets. (Well, a toilet.  The only toilet we have.)  And I suddenly feel as though I've finally caught my breath after a long and grueling walk uphill.  Not to say that my life itself has been particularly challenging as of late, but my mind has certainly been doing its best to make it seem that way.  And after this weekend, that irksome feeling has finally decided to go steal someone else's breath for a while.

That's why I felt the need to take pictures of the ordinary this weekend.  To capture those perfectly nothing moments.  Where my mind isn't trying to make things harder than they actually are.  Where I feel like myself.  I wanted to save these fleeting moments, because they won't last forever.

There is new week after every weekend, a new haze after any moment of clarity.  And I will never quite get a grip on that.  But for some strange reason, I feel like acknowledging that fact is the only way to actually get a grip on anything.

02-15

Thank goodness.  For forty degrees outside.  For the first time going on my lunch break without a coat in what feels like decades.  For a wide-open sun roof on the drive to Taco Time.  For Taco Time and their ridiculously delicious veggie burritos with sunflower seeds and guacamole and taco sauce.  Let's just take a moment for them....

Thank goodness for Telekinesis playing out of my speakers.  For the liberating feeling that comes with the last few weeks of Winter.

Thank goodness for the promise of Spring.

And in spite of the fact that snow is on its way within the next week, I'm just gonna relish in the beauty of this particular day. 

Oh, blessed clarity.

Let me praise this cloudless sky.

You know what one of my favorite things is?  Reading a book that I've read countless times, and finding chocolate stains on the pages.  It really makes me laugh.  In spite of myself?  I've never been sure how to properly use that phrase.  Another favorite thing is coming to work to find that the system is down.  So I get paid hourly to read 1984.  Tender mercies.  Chocolate and books go together like Obama and substituting words for "socialism."

"An addiction to hands and feet.  There's a meat market down the street.  The boys and girls watch each other eat, when they really just wanna watch each other sleep, sleep, sleep..."

I've listened to this song at least twelve times since approximately 1:25am this morning.  No worries, I did sleep in-between then and now.  Only three hours, but I'm not a fan of details.  At least not those kind.  So here is me talking about myself, cause I figure there is really no better place to do so.

things i've decided are awesome about me lately:

1.  I haven't had a soda in two weeks as of today.  I've also cut back a lot of sugar.  Vegetables are amazing and I basically just eat them until I don't feel like eating anything else anymore.  I feel good. No pills, no lypo, just a change in my habits.  Go figure.

2.  I'm so good at my job that the dude sitting next to me has started copying the script I came up with for phone calls.  How flattering, fellow customer care representative.

 

3.  I wake up now.  Like, I get out of bed when I need to.  Sleeping in is still heavenly and I do it more than the average person, as usual.  But I actually find it possible to get up.  And I don't feel so worthless.  AND I picked up an additional working day each week, so I'll make more money.  

4.  I'm beginning to understand that people who bring out negative feelings in me - about myself - probably aren't worth making eye contact with.  Much less taking time for.  So there.  Look out, world.

This simple verse, those four letter words,
standing as if they're the obvious answer,
as if they were meant to suffice.
And there's that look in my direction,
like you were created to save me,
as if the only thing that could help is your advice.

All I can say is, it doesn't.
What I can tell you is, it won't.
I climb the tips of mountain peaks daily,
screaming out your name -
so sure that you'll hear me.
All I can say is, you don't.

These repeated ideas, 
running in circles through my brain.
Repetitive ideas,
leaving railways in my mind.
These same ideas,
they're leaving highways where they came.
Take that old principle,
make it a traffic sign.
These laws that cycle through,
old as time.

4/7/10

I thought April had promised me more than this. But her dark, dead mornings continue to be less than welcoming in this string of seemingly recycled days. Is this spot any different than where I found myself twenty four hours back? I could continue running recklessly, burning bridges, bringing them and all these ties that bind crashing harshly into endless debris. This debris that never seems to settle. I could continue this battle of philosophy and the cluster of false opinion being tossed with me, but none of this has gotten me where I need to be. There is a certain comfort that surrounds as I sit in a familiar place. I know soon enough I'll feel that sweet sunlight on my face. So for the present moment, I choose exile over destruction, deceit, and pretense. I choose to stay where eventually this divine warmth will meet me, and come to my defense.