7/22/13

stickittodemaneosis.

There are some struggles that I'm convinced will always be a struggle. Some parts of me that will always be a little bit broken.  And I've accepted this.

Because human beings were simply not meant to be happy every moment of the day.

Sometimes it is brave to be happy, but other times it's just impossible.
That's nobody's fault.

I don't think that I'll ever be someone who conversation or human interaction in general comes naturally to.  I lack the charisma and self-assurance.  And I don't mean that in a negative way, I'm just saying it.

I'm not charismatic.  I'm not generally confident.
These are the facts.

I'm neurotic and think in circles until I tangle up.  A select few find it endearing, and know how to unwind me from my own thoughts.
The rest are generally turned off.
Again, just facts.
But charismatic people have always made me nervous.  You know?

Probably not.

It's just that it always proved difficult for me to determine
whether they were being sincerely charming
or simply charming me out of their way.

Because their smiles look the same in either situation.
And I can't understand that.
I have enough trouble smiling for pictures when I don't feel like it.  It never works.  I just look like I'm in pain.
All I'm saying is, I know what you're thinking.
But you and I have a very different definition of fun.
I wish you'd stop acting as if happiness were the point, because it isn't.  It never has been.
The point is being able to face the reality - That things here aren't perfect, and never will be.  That, sometimes, really terrible things happen.

That I'm human and I'm broken, in some ways, and I'll probably never know how to make a room of people laugh.  That it isn't about what's fair, it's about what we were meant to learn.
The point is to be able to accept all of this without throwing your hands in the air and giving up.   

12 comments:

  1. "That I'm human and I'm broken, in some ways, and I'll probably never know how to make a room of people laugh. That it isn't about what's fair, it's about what we were meant to learn."

    Testify. And sometimes I try too hard to not just be myself. And we all know how that goes... :)

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    1. The whole stoppping-trying thing. haha drives me insane!

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  2. This is so true. I've been thinking a lot about fairness and learning things, and I like the way you talked about it.

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    1. Why thank you. It's an interesting concept. I feel like we feel entitled to a lot of things that we're not, and it can be kind of a shock. Anyway..yeah, thanks.

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  3. there are so many points i just wanted to say dude. just yes. but that ended up being a lot more then a few.
    but for starters..

    I'm neurotic and think in circles until I tangle up. A select few find it endearing, and know how to unwind me from my own thoughts. The rest are generally turned off.

    yes.yes.yes. sometimes it scares me to be happy even because i over think it and wonder if maybe i shouldn't and maybe something bad will happen if we act to happy and carefree. as if god was a judge and harsh. i'm learning to not think of him so humanly. he's not like that.

    Because their smiles look the same in either situation. And I can't understand that. I have enough trouble smiling for pictures when I don't feel like it. It never works. I just look like I'm in pain.

    again, you hit the nail on the head. i can't smile a decent smile unless i'm over-freaking-joyed! i can laugh. i'm always laughing. when i do a polite smile at someone i don't want to show my teeth and do a huge smile, but no teeth smile proceeds to make me look like i smell something bad.

    I wish you'd stop acting as if happiness were the point, because it isn't. It never has been. The point is being able to face the reality - That things here aren't perfect, and never will be. That, sometimes, really terrible things happen.

    you never cease to amaze me. this just this. everyone wants to get to this happiness destination. but the thing is you have to just face reality and hold onto all the good, happy memories.

    i could go on.. but you know, this comment would be longer then your post. but thank you, meg! i was having a rough day, but that doesn't mean i need to throw my hands up in the air and give up. you're the best!

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    1. You're one of those people, by the way. haha who understand the getting tangled up. Thank you Natalia :) you just get me!

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  4. YES! This: "I'm neurotic and think in circles until I tangle up. A select few find it endearing, and know how to unwind me from my own thoughts."

    I feel like this bit of us is contained in every human. Or some other form of imperfection. Just some are able to talk about it, and others aren't. And I much prefer the people who can.

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    1. you're so right. and I totally agree. I prefer those people as well!

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  5. Love this Meg. You are charming in your own special way. I love how honest & open you are.

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    1. Thank you very much. I like the same things about you - never afraid to say what's in your head.

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  6. i really hate that - when people are so stuck on being happy or refusing to accept the reality of a bad situation. i guess it just takes all kinds of kinds.

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  7. I totally agree. I'm so clumsy and UNcharismatic, I really have no clue what to say to people most of the time. I think that's why I like your blog so much -- you acknowledge that about yourself and you aren't ashamed of it. Too often people what to change who they are and how God made them. That's kind of a joke!

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