5/1/13

shrill as a choir of children, urgent like the first day of May.  -C.O.


I always used to think that I'd eventually turn into the ball of light I wanted to be.  That was the plan, though I made no effort to set it in motion.  As if all of the personality traits and natural tendencies I never had would just appear in me one day.  I'd wake up with energy and perspective and the ability to light up any situation.

But the farther I travel, the less likely this appears to be.  I'm so out of reach, made my way too far down this road.  Each day the sun gives a pleasant greeting and I pull the shutters closed.

11 comments:

  1. absolutely. i've been seeing a lot more lately, and this is a big part of it.
    i've always yearned to be this glowing, robust, strong dynamic being who bleeds confidence into the world and makes everyone smile and laugh and feel alive. and i'm not that person and i never have been. but these qualities can still be a part of me, in a quiet sort of way. in a different way than i thought, but a way that's more me. that means more to me, in the end.
    i don't know what i'm getting at. but i'm glad not all balls of light are the same kind. i'm glad there are also people who are a little bit softer, a little bit more hidden and more gentle, but still full of truth and beauty and loads of important things.
    and i have the bad habit where i perhaps glorify the other side too much. that i see too much value in the shadows and minor keys and night skies. but there is value.
    maybe what i'm getting out of this isn't what you meant. but that's okay.
    ...i guess i'm just saying...yes. indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aaaaand my comment was longer than your post. ah well. :)

      Delete
    2. Oh well is right! I loved it, in all of its rambling, long-winded glory. haha nobody gives responses like that, and I wish they would. You're great. Just so great.

      Delete
  2. ugh yes. i've always wanted to be bright and cheerful and serving and put together and someone who wears makeup and combs her hair more then once a month and keeps everything orderly and someone everyone likes. but i'm not. and i gave up on it a few times but now i realize i can't be like that but i can be me but use those goals as room for improvement. i'm constantly trying to strive to better myself whilst still being content with who i am. gah. life and balance are so confusing sometimes. thanks for sharing this. it surprises me everytime when you write and i'm like whoa really someone else like me! i love yor words.

    oh and thank you for all your comments on my posts. they're always my favorite. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's exactly what I mean. The balance that's so difficult to find. It's a constant struggle and sometimes I just get tired of it.

      Delete
  3. Oh this is so sad, and yet so beautiful.. you have a real way with words x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oi, we're definitely kindred spirits, my dear. I know aalllll about this, I've learned though to come to grips with who I really am and let my real me let loose. I'm glad I did too:)
    Charlotte is right, you have such a way with words! I love it ^_^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We most definitely are, I knew it the first time I read your "About Me."

      Delete
  5. I get this, totally. I love the way you worded it all. I was sitting in my back yard just two nights ago confessing to my best friend that I don't always feel happy and cheery and that sometimes I want to just scream, but people don't expect that from me because I normally do portray at least a content demeanor.

    Anyway I loved this. Glad to be back to read your lovely words :) Hope all is well <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. but i do love waking up in the sun.
    i think we're closer to being those balls of light than we think we are.

    ReplyDelete

I love reading what you have to say about what I had to say. Feel free to leave those thoughts here.