I saw a lady dance yesterday
She was easily swayed
I cannot be tossed and turned 

in this way
I'm not your tiny dancer

-LM

oh, rain.

"Headlights or tail lights, it's a flip of a coin.
I've been comin' and goin' since the day I was born.
And I followed the bread crumbs, but I never got home.
I grew old in an instant, now I'm all on my own."

-C.O.

shrill as a choir of children, urgent like the first day of May.  -C.O.

I always used to think that I'd eventually turn into the ball of light I wanted to be.  That was the plan, though I made no effort to set it in motion.  As if all of the personality traits and natural tendencies I never had would just appear in me one day.  I'd wake up with energy and perspective and the ability to light up any situation.

But the farther I travel, the less likely this appears to be.  I'm so out of reach, made my way too far down this road.  Each day the sun gives a pleasant greeting and I pull the shutters closed.

year of 22.

I can't say scenes like this make the pain I feel in my bones every time I walk outside worth it.  But I have to say, sub-zero temperatures bring some beautiful displays.

Today, I'm an aunt, finally.  To a little man named Grayson.  I can't wait to meet him.

Tomorrow, I'm 22.  And am taking the day off to find the perfect kitten.  Just prepare yourselves for a ridiculous amount of cat pictures.

Speaking of 22, why is that the age everyone sings about?

e.g.:

"It's been a long night in New York City; It's been a long time since 22."
-John Mayer

"Bless my heart, and bless my soul; I never thought I'd make it to 22 years old."
-Alabama Shakes

"When I was seven I  had you, but now I'm 22."
-Kate Nash

"The world's got me dizzy again.  You'd think after 22 years, I'd get used to the spin."
-Bright Eyes

And those are just off the top of my head.  There must be a lot to look forward to about this particular age, though I'm not feeling all that inspired to sing about it just yet.  I'm starting my year of 22 mainly overwhelmed with new responsibilities and a particularly obnoxious sensation of inadequacy.  I doubt any of the rock stars I just quoted were stressed out about planning Activity Days for their church at that point.

But then again, that's pure speculation. 

memory vomit.

It's been a Bright Eyes kind of year.  But mostly summer.  

Excluding 2009 and Twilight:

        Pioneer Town, CA

Sleeping under the stars for the first time in my life where the gorgeous landscape reminded me of a David Dondero song, "Just like these stars are my chandelier, just like these landscapes are my living room, just like these highways are veins; we are the blood, we are the rain," thrift shopping, stalking behind trailers.

Did we really have to SKIP?"  Highlights:  Laura Laurent, I Know You, I've Been Eating..Easy/Lucky/Free, etc. 

Pomona, CA

"You're gonna run outta luck."

"It isn't luck, it's heaven, and it's always there."

Firewall. Jejune Stars. Take It Easy (Love Nothing). Four Winds. Balance Beam. We Are Nowhere and It’s Now. Shell Games. Approximate Sunlight. Arc of Time. Falling Out of Love At This Volume. Bowl of Oranges. Something Vague. No One Would Riot For Less. Beginner’s Mind. Cartoon Blues. Going for the Gold. Hot Knives. Old Soul Song. The Calendar Hung Itself. Ladder Song. Gold Mine Gutted. Lover I Don’t Have to Love. Road To Joy. One for You, One for Me.

"All that you keep is the journey

All that you keep are the 

spaces in between. "

"It's not the fresh start

or the ending.

All that you keep is the journey."

Dever, CO

Colfax, collifax, collifuccus?  

Lovely hairs on the towels, lovely mold in the tub.  But the most beautiful drive I could have hoped for.  The People's Key, and People's Fair.  Dude crying ruins everything.  Wait in line from 12-7?  Not doing that again, but we were right in front.  Crazy girls with no lives, but a substantial amount of body odor.  I&who?  "...What a d-!"

Sodom and Gom....Oops, I mean Las Vegas, NV

Four Winds, Trees Get Wheeled Away, We Are Nowhere.., Take It Easy, Jejune Stars, Shell Games, Arc of Time, Cartoon Blues, No One Would Riot, Hot Knives, Gold Mine, First Day of blah, Another Traveling Song, Lover I Don't, Symmetry, Ladder Song, Calendar, Wide Awake, One for You...

Transmission blows about two and a half hours out.  Which is awesome.  But what was really awesome was Drew and Willy coming to the rescue with another car.  And probably Tessa coming up with "Drewsus." Also the fact that we left girls and came back women through the refining fire of our tribulations that made up this trip.  Definitely the most stressful, enlightening, exhausting and enjoyable thing I have done in my early adult life.  We're mostly convinced someone would have died if we had gotten there on time.  Many thanks to Richard, who towed us with his two lovely children, and came out to bring us coolant when the second car over heated; Mother CONNIE for having AAA and upgrading so I could get my car towed; Drew, Willy, and Kevin, of course, for making it possible to even GET to Vegas; also Kurt Vile and War Paint for taking their sweet time with their sets so that we were able to get there RIGHT before Bright Eyes played; oh, and of course all of support and help we received from the angels who I'm convinced were with us every step of the way.

"Why aren't you stopping?!" "Where is KANOSH?!"  "Stuck here forever."  "Don't step in my pee.."  "What pee?"  BAMF.  Car fort.  "Ryan, the green-eyed skittle sharer."  "Are you a boy or a girl?"  "Wait as long as you can to have kids...she's about as fertile as possible."  Dearden Motor Co.  TGFAAA+!  "Yuck."  Fox and the Hound.  "Can we remember when peeved at pauses and delays that we live on borrowed time, purchased by the savior's blood, and that everything he does is for the benefit of the world?" "Why did this happen?  Just so we could read the Ensign?"  "Bring a ring!"  "Can I just get a cup of ICE?!"  "BK!  Adventure's...second stop."  Kenzy is eating fast food?  Keys out, door open, radio on.  "I'm never going to see my family again."  "You will, we're your family now."  "Before this trip, I used to trust cars and not men; now I trust men and not cars."  "What's this concert?  I'm not helping you if it's screaming or rap."  It's indie folk, please help us!"  "Remember how you wanted to stop in Cedar City?"  "Oh yeah, four days ago."  "Where is this forsaken city?!  It doesn't exist!"  Lady Gaga.  Lake of lights.  Flamingo!  "There's pooh!"  Where in the world is WILL CALL!  "Ohp, we're there."  "Alright, psycho."  In the world, not of the world. "Like....we're ignorant, but we know more than them?"  "These girls need name tags, I can't tell them apart."  "If you aren't out of the street when the light turns green, I swear I'll hit you."  "He has crazy in his eyes."

Probably one of my favorite venues ever.  We heard "Trees Get Wheeled Away," which is one they hadn't played at previous shows.  It was a beautiful sight.  "This is a song about the end of the world, which is something I think about every time I come to Las Vegas." -C.O.

We (or at least I) came to a realization: that we don't really like Las Vegas.  Also, that Tessa is basically invisible in crowds of inconsiderate people.

2Ne 22:2, Alma26:10-16, D&C24:8, 2Ne31:19, 20.  Brownies for every meal.  We survived.  Tessa got to use her ID.  Sweet, sweet, blessed sleep after the longest day ever.  Oh, and brownies for dinner.  Brownies for breakfast.  Life dreams.  Church, the same everywhere you go!  "That's the coldest water I've had this whole trip!"  Saul to Paul; Megan to MUFASA!  Really high notes in hymn 186.  "I sound really sheltered right now.."  "You're not SAFE!"  Tessa's fortune: "You will find new adventure in life..." Kenzy: "Follow your beliefs."  Tizzy: "You bring out the best in others."  "No, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed."  Tornado Tessa.  Two hour's silence in the car..."I feel good!"  

HOME.  "And there was great joy in that city." -Acts 8:8.  

It was you singing songs to me when we had nothing better to do.  It was me, feeling like there was no better way my time could be spent.  Considering how those rich melodies would cloud my mind like some vaporized narcotic.  In the midst of so much lip contact, such a small amount of eye contact.  Though I would strain myself to keep from blinking - to keep you from vanishing - a stimulant I couldn't operate without.  And though any contact with you only seems to result in humiliation, I've just got all of this room I could spare.  There is no way you would come and no way I would ask - It's just that I have so much I could share.

"IT'S ON NOW

THE DAYS ARE LONG NOW

THE UPS AND SUN DOWNS

AND A TWISTING MIND

  IF I'VE GOTTA GO FIRST

I'LL DO IT ON MY TERMS

I'M TIRED OF TRAITORS

ALWAYS CHANGING SIDES

THEY WERE FRIENDS OF MINE."