pieces of the weekend.

New phone, yay.  Ate more Rubios' avacado corn fish tacos and a Coca-Cola.  Yum.  Satisfied craving for movie with Mud, and I wonder why I only like Matthew Mcconaughey as a dirty, southern fugitive.  What happened to a good story.  Slept in.  Finally worked out on my work-out ball and looked ridiculous.  Watched way too much Grey's Anatomy and didn't even care.  Laundry, laundry, JCW'S, YUM. Primary lesson.  Played with kitty.  Back to primary lesson.  Ate Flipz, yum.  Gave Drew a mani-pedi.  More Grey's Anatomy.  Rented movie from VUDU.  VUDU makes me angry.  Wrote angry email.  Sleep sleep sleep.  Church.  Parent's house.  Best grilled chicken ever ever.  Sobe mixed with Diet Dew is a revelation, YUM.  Warm bath.  Got a "Very Probable" on a Social Anxiety Disorder test.  Wasn't really surprised.  Pre-sleep snuggles.  Back to the grind.  Clock in 9am.  Feel free to leave your soul at the door.  Welcome to Monday.

stroll.

"Praise the spells and bless the charms

I found April in my arms.

April golden, April cloudy,

Gracious, cruel, tender, rowdy;

April soft in flowered languor,

April cold with sudden anger,

Ever changing, ever true -

I love April, I love you."

-Ogden Nash 

Spring is like a dream.  I mean, there are flowers everywhere.  It's important to savor it because in Utah, it isn't long before all of the green of life blooming around us turns to brown. Dead, dried, flammable brown.  

On a walk Saturday night, Drew and I slowly strolled, enjoying the just-right temperature and cracked, uneven sidewalks. It used to be that a trip around this city would bring back a flood of memories into my mind.  Every street sign, park or neighborhood had a story to tell about nights spent years ago with someone I don't keep in contact with anymore.  It used to make me sad.  I felt like it had all gone to waste for some reason.  But I realized as we walked that I had somehow passed that feeling up.  It didn't feel like I was walking through memories anymore.  I doubt this will make sense to anyone.  But it felt like I had been living like this, in the one bedroom next to a convenience store, taking walks and talking about the future with a husband named Drew my whole entire life. 

I studied blossoming trees, city buildings and old charming houses with well-manicured lawns.  It's hard to decide if this is a good or bad thing, but I wouldn't mind it if I never lived anywhere else. 

doable.

From 19 to 22 seems like very insignificant amount of time.  Three years is a small fraction of an average life span these days, especially with the help of modern medicine and the fact that a head cold doesn't usually mean death anymore.  It's true, from 19 to 22 can seem like no time at all.

But, take my word for it, the difference between 19 and 22 is a big one.

Trust me, the difference between them is a lot.

I've been doing this thing lately.  I think they call it cooking?  Spaghetti squash with parmesan sauce, fajita-style quesadillas slathered in guacamole.  I may have added in more pretty words to make those sound better.  But they were enjoyable.

I've even been getting the dishes done right after we finish eating...just right then and there.  Soap, water, several minutes of standing by the sink - boom! Clean kitchen.

I'm officially freaking myself out now.  Drew probably senses something is amiss as well, but I'm guessing he hasn't said anything because he's worried that it'll make me go back to normal.  And then he'll be back to doing those dishes all alone more often than I'd like to admit.  Poor chap.

Mostly I think I had been making things more difficult in my head than they really are for the past several months.  I've lived through enough winters by now to realize that cursed season does terrible things for my state of mind.  And once the trees are budding, and the sun is back whispering encouraging things in my ears, I'm suddenly a new human.  I'm enjoying sunsets and old songs and drinking in cool breezes through the window.  I've suddenly become a reasonably productive person who doesn't let the small things bother her.  And I hate it when people say things like that.

Regardless of this, I'm still me.  And for that reason, I have to be realistic.  Realistically, I'll probably be right back to my usual, over-complicated, skeptical way of thinking by the end of the week.  I'll most likely be back to dreading even the smallest, simplest tasks.  But, right now, life feels completely doable.

I like doable.

"An addiction to hands and feet.  There's a meat market down the street.  The boys and girls watch each other eat, when they really just wanna watch each other sleep, sleep, sleep..."

I've listened to this song at least twelve times since approximately 1:25am this morning.  No worries, I did sleep in-between then and now.  Only three hours, but I'm not a fan of details.  At least not those kind.  So here is me talking about myself, cause I figure there is really no better place to do so.

things i've decided are awesome about me lately:

1.  I haven't had a soda in two weeks as of today.  I've also cut back a lot of sugar.  Vegetables are amazing and I basically just eat them until I don't feel like eating anything else anymore.  I feel good. No pills, no lypo, just a change in my habits.  Go figure.

2.  I'm so good at my job that the dude sitting next to me has started copying the script I came up with for phone calls.  How flattering, fellow customer care representative.

 

3.  I wake up now.  Like, I get out of bed when I need to.  Sleeping in is still heavenly and I do it more than the average person, as usual.  But I actually find it possible to get up.  And I don't feel so worthless.  AND I picked up an additional working day each week, so I'll make more money.  

4.  I'm beginning to understand that people who bring out negative feelings in me - about myself - probably aren't worth making eye contact with.  Much less taking time for.  So there.  Look out, world.