today.

We went to the temple.  We didn't make it there as often as we wanted or as much as we should have last month.

I felt so different from how I've felt lately.  So unlike the self I've warped into.  I felt warm.  There was no analyzing, no neurotic thoughts.  I wasn't concerned with what I looked like or what anyone else thought of me.  I looked across the room and only saw friendly, smiling faces.  I looked at Drew, and his eyes had that extra shot of blue in them.  Something about all of the white and the lighting, maybe.  They always look bluer there.

I can't name another single place where I feel more like myself than inside of the temple, like the person I was created to be.

Nowhere else do I feel more admiration and love for my husband.  For everyone I know.

Nowhere else do I feel like who I am and what I am is completely satisfactory.

Nowhere else do I feel this sense of confidence, that my potential is endless from the perspective of God.

And that's the whole, complete truth.

prayer.

Too often, we consider prayer strictly as a way to ask heaven for things.  We see it as an outlet for our wish lists and last-minute demands.  Afterward, if we don't get whatever it was that we prayed for, we assume that our prayer wasn't answered.  We assume that God decided to ignore this one or, with his busy schedule, maybe even forgot about us.

But the fact is that every single prayer that has ever been uttered from the lips of man since the beginning of their existence has been answered.  Most people just don't see it that way because they didn't get what they wanted from the conversation.  The purpose of prayer is not to tell God and the hosts of heaven what we want.  It is not to give orders to God, like we would to a waiter at a sit-down restaurant.  Prayer is not a letter to Santa Clause.  The purpose of prayer is to figure out what God wants for us.

God always answers prayers.  What we must understand in order to have a sincere conversation with Him is that the answer to even the most heartfelt prayer is not always the answer we want.  Sometimes, and maybe more often than that, what we want isn't necessarily best for us.  Sometimes the answers is, "No."

This was one of the single most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen in my life.  At least I'm pretty sure.  Unfortunately I can't remember every sunset I've ever seen.  But if I could, it would be awesome. I'd probably look at them all of the time.

a thought

Truth has a way of rediscovering itself.  It is linked together throughout various subjects and philosophies, always coming full-circle.  

Where you find truth, you will soon stumble upon another.  

Where you find a lie, you will only find questions with dead ends.

today.

"But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."

"All we, like sheep, have gone  astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all."

-Msh 14:5-6

I don't know why it's so satisfying to find or come up with words that describe my feelings perfectly.  But, to me, it's one of the keenest pleasures I know of. (See?  I'm boring.  Like Mr. Rochester said, "then your pleasures have been few.")  And it seems that my whole entire existence is one big quest to do that.  To take a whole mess of thought and emotion, and condense it.  To organize it, shave off the excess, until I'm left with nothing but the true, the innate, the primal.  To spit and polish until I describe all of these feelings in a few simple sentences.

Too often, people seek answers where they know very well they won't find them.  

Like looking for fish everywhere and anywhere other than in the water.  

Searching for evidence worlds away from the scene of the crime.  

Putting on a charade of investigation to prove their motivation.  

Seeking out God where they know He is not.

D&C 50

I always come back to it.

25:...and I say it that you may know the truth, 

that you may chase darkness from among you;

The Best Gifts.

There is this difference between open-minded and open to anything.  You're under the impression that this is setting you apart.  But that's the kind of thinking that got you lost in the first place.

D&C 46: 7-8

7: "But ye are commanded in all things to ask of God, who giveth liberally; and that which the Spirit testifies unto you even so I would that ye should do in all holiness of heart, walking uprightly before me, considering the end of your salvation, doing all things with prayer and thanksgiving, that ye may not be seduced by evil spirits, or doctrines of devils, or the commandments of men; for some are of men and others of devils."

        -Ask of God: Pray, include Him in your choices and struggles; He gives liberally, and has the answer.

        -Follow the Spirit, do what it tells you.

        -Holiness of heart: honesty, sincerity.

        -Walk uprightly: clear conscience; guilt-free

        -Consider the end of your salvation: THINK before you DO; make choices based on what you want most, not just what you want right NOW; consider what God wants for you, realize that is what will make you happiest (even if you don't see how right now), and make the choice He wants for you.  If it isn't what you want, continue to do this over time,  and it will be what you want, too.

        -All things with prayer and thanksgiving: Include God, and thank Him; be grateful in general - you're blessed.

        -Seduced: flattered and enticed; it isn't unenjoyable to make wrong choices, that's why so many people...make them.

        -Why do this stuff?  To avoid being deceived and lead away from the truth, and being convinced of "doctrines of devils," which is anything contrary to the word of God.

8: "Wherefore, beware lest ye are deceived; and that ye may not be deceived seek ye earnestly the best gifts, always remembering for what they are given,"



favorites.

"O all ye that are pure in heart, 

lift up your heads and receive the 

pleasing word of God, 

and feast upon his love; 

for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever."

-Jacob 3:2

"It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; 

yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious unto me."

-Alma 32:28

"...Bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success."

-Alma 26:27

"And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin.  If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness.  And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness.  And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery.  And if these things are not there is no God.  

And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away."

-2 Nephi 2:13

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and in order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

-Mosiah 4:27

"..Wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard,for it cutteth them to the very center."

-1Nephi 6:2

"The pleasing word of God, yea, the word which healeth the wounded soul."

-Jacob 2:8

"For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry."

--2Nephi 33:3

"..If I do not, by any means, get shaken from my firmness in the spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you."

-Jacob 4:18

"But let patience have her perfect work,that ye may be perfect and entire,wanting nothing."

-James 1:4

"Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions."

-1Nephi 18:16

"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."

-D&C 24:8

"And that which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."

-D&C 50:24

"And the light which shineth, which giveth you light,is through him who enlighteneth your eyes,which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings."

-D&C 88:11

"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee."

-3Nephi 22:10

"...They were numbered among the people of Christ; and their names were taken, that they might be remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way, to keep them continually watchful unto prayer, relying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith."

-Moroni 6:4

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam,and will be for ever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint

through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive,meek, humble, patient, full of love,willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

-Mosiah 3:19

"Scriptures are like packets of light that illuminate our minds and give place to guidance and inspiration from on high." -Richard G. Scott

"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior." -Boyd K. Packer

I spent my entire adolescence
convinced I was a transient,
a wanderer who could never stick around
long enough to earn a name.
As it turns out, I wasn't wandering at all.
It's just that none of those around me
were headed the same way.

This light in my arms, this delicate consistence,
I've nourished it and protected it
in every way I know how.
There were times I thought I knew better.
Let me save you some work -
acting on this thought process never works out.

And I keep pushing this body forward,
now I'm running through the pain.
I keep shedding what could never stretch as far.
You'd understand if you compared the loss to the gain.
You'd understand if you would only dare to ask,
"at what cost am I losing His name?"

Because I have a knowledge of this,
of where this soul fits,
of why my stomach turns
when I lose the balance.

And I can't say I miss it,
all that time spent placing our priorities
in complete disarray.
I will say I thought you'd be here,
the way you expected me to speak,
the way you expected me to at least act complete,
the manner in which you examined truth
and untruth with me.

So here lay the remains
of what would never stretch far enough,
of what only attempted to deceive.
I've cut the cords that held me in this stupor.
It seems I've been shaken.
I'm awake now,
My first real breath is being taken in.
These eyes have been opened after a deep, deep sleep.

Simple. Not even easy.

“How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken.  Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art!  Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!’”  -Elder Neal A. Maxwell

When I first read this quote, I laughed.  I read it today, and felt like shooting myself in the foot in an attempt to clear these endless concerns with myself from my brain.  There was no actual shooting, I'm not that committed, but I found that I've lost any sense of gratitude lately.  I had this idea in my head that I wasn't "doing anything wrong", therefore everything should be working out perfectly.  Don't get me wrong, because I do feel I deserve a lot.  But what am I doing here if I'm not learning or growing in any way?  

I was reading in Ether, Chapter 12 the other night, and came upon this verse:

4.  Wherefore, whoso believeth in 

God might with a surety hope for a 

better world, yea, even a place at

the right hand of God, which hope

cometh of faith, maketh an anchor

to the souls of men, which would

make them sure and steadfast,

always abounding in good works,

being led to glorify God.

I was feeling a loss of hope for a bright future.  I didn't feel like my family would ever be whole or "normal" again.  I didn't understand why people didn't seem to see me as worth their time.  I mean, I'm a nice girl, I should have an overwhelming amount of people wanting to be around me, right?  So where are they?  And why can't I afford nice clothes like that girl, and why can't my house be sparkling clean without me doing any work, and why can't I at least have a really outgoing personality, or have a good hair day for once,  and why don't I have everything I want right now?  I deserve it.  I'm entitled to it.  Right?

6.  ...faith is in things which are hoped for 

and not seen; wherefore, dispute 

not because ye see not, for ye

receive no witness until after the

trial of your faith.

Just like the quote I began this entry with, I had heard this scripture so many times I couldn't even count.  I read scriptures everyday, and I begin to think that means I know all they have to offer.  This scripture was very humbling; I don't know a fraction of it.  I get so caught up in what I want now, I forget what I want most.  Hoping for a brighter future, for a more wholesome family situation, for a clean house, for good friends who care, is a blessing.  The fact that I know these things are possible (as long as they are righteous desires) through living the right way and staying close to the Lord is a huge blessing.  Hoping for these things is a blessing.  I shouldn't complain because I don't see it right now.  I need to have faith in that my Creator knows who I am, better than I do.  He will lead me to who I'm supposed to be, who I came here to be.  It is prideful to think that I know who I am, and where I am meant to be better than the Lord does.  He knows, and He wants to show me.

9.  Wherefore, ye may also have

hope, and be partakers of the gift, 

if ye will but have faith.

I just need to remember to ask, and be humble enough to hear the answer.  One of my old friends sent me a quote in a letter while he was on his mission:  "Patience is the capacity to endure trouble, delay, opposition or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated or anxious.  It is the ability to do God's will and accept His timing." This is found in PMG, chapter six.  It applies to almost every situation, if you think about it.  The trick is...to think about it.

12.  For if there be no faith among

the children of men God can do no

miracle among them...

If you want to see results, have faith that the results will come.  If you want God to do something for you, let Him.  He can't do anything for you if you don't have faith that He can.  In 3 Nephi chapter 17, Christ is about to leave the Nephites (v 4), but He has compassion upon them, and tarries with them a little longer.  I find that so powerful.  It's something so small and so simple.  Yet, a lot of the time that's really all I need from others - just to stay...because they want to stay with me, because they sincerely enjoy my company.  Anyway, Christ stays with them, and says in verse 7 to bring any among them who are afflicted in any manner to Him.  "I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you (v 8)."

So, basically, I'm human.  No surprises here.  I love the scriptures.  I love the gospel.  I don't want to know who I would be without it.  This is the only place that I find real, lasting peace.  It's something no one can truly understand until they feel it, and it is easily forgotten.  Sometimes I forget.  That's probably why "remember" is the most used word in the scriptures.  Go figure.  "REMEMBER, and perish not."  -Msh 4: 30.

"But let patience have her

perfect work, that ye may

be perfect and entire,

wanting nothing.."

-James 1:4

never having to answer to anyone - '09

I am certain, and know of a surety that this life is full up to the brim with purpose. All kinds. There are times when it's difficult to recognize. But it is there. This world. The mountains. Trees. Sunrises. Sunsets. Rocks. Dirt. All of it is here for us (everyone) to enjoy. There is a God, and He loves and cares for me more than I can even comprehend, or begin to. If I lived with the smallest fraction of that love in my heart everyday, I'm sure that I would never treat another person wrongly again. Because love is that strong.

"And we have known and felt the love that God hath to us. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him."

I know I am cared for and loved. I know I have an extremely specific purpose here. There is no such thing as coincidence. There is nobody else in existence who can fulfill and do what I am meant to do. I live my life the way I do because of these reasons. I get out of bed everyday because I know God is God, and there is work he needs me to do.

There are those who may say that believing these things is the easy way out. It makes life easier, to believe that we cared for and loved. Almost as if this opinion is "protecting" us from the harsh "reality" that there is no purpose, there is no one watching over us, hoping that I'll return to them. But it is just the opposite.

Yes, living a good life does make many things so much more simple, so much less of a burden to carry. Knowing Heavenly Father, and also knowing that He loves me, no matter what I do, no matter what mistake I make, does make life a lot easier to exist in. But that doesn't mean, in any way, shape or form that life doesn't come with just as many challenges. It isn't always easy to have faith. It isn't always easy to make the better choice. It isn't quite so effortless to humble myself, and pray, admitting that I am nothing without my Father. It is not an easy task to spend time on prayer and studying when there is so much more to do with my time. That isn't easy. It is so worth it. But not easy.

Easy: not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort; free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care; not harsh or strict; lenient; not burdensome or oppressive; not difficult to influence or overcome; compliant.

I'll tell you what's easy. Laying down, and giving in to any wind or driving force that is attempting to push you, that's easy. It's easy to give in to any temptation that comes your way. It's so much easier to live everyday with no purpose, to simply breathe air, and exist, without the slightest thought of what's next. It's so easy to believe that there is no one who cares what you do - because that way you can do whatever. That way, it doesn't matter. That way, it's EASY.

beginning to become - August 2009

I'm young. I don't know what it is about myself that causes me to constantly believe that I'm so experienced and know everything. Lately, all I've been thinking about is how much I have yet to do, experience, accomplish, and become. I think my biggest accomplishments so far are earning my high school diploma, and getting a 24 on the ACT. Yep, look out world! When I think about it, those things are really just the start. I had to get them out of the way to actually begin my life. I really just feel completely overwhelmed with everything I'm NOT or that plan to be.

I want to be ready. I'm not completely sure for what. But whatever it is I am/will be, I wanna be a good one. A good...Megan. The thought of college terrifies me. School has never been my main talent, in any sense. I was happy to get a 2.5 GPA, while I would overhear people around me complaining about getting a single A- in that AP Study-of-Stuff-That-Megan-Will-Never-Hope-to-Understand class. I mean, what? How is it that I got up everyday, came to that fortress of white walls and endless noise that always went right over my head, and there was always a memo I didn't get? There was always something going on that somehow everyone knew about and understood. Everyone, excluding me. But that has always been my problem - I tend to think in a way where there are only two variables in life: "them" and "me." Which, apparently, "is never the case," which my counselor constantly pointed out to me in almost every one of my sessions.

I'm aware that this kind of thinking is very unrealistic. But all I can see college being at this point is a whole lot more them, and the same old me. Just on a bigger, more expensive campus. With a much bigger chance of me getting lost and/or eaten by a wild animal. Both of which can seem much more appealing than a class I find impossible. At least being eaten would provide a legitimate excuse, unlike, "Professor, I'm just incapable of success!" Teachers always disagree with that one. It's times like that when they start using the "P" word. You guessed it - potential. Oh, potential. I think the most frustrating part of that word is that it never ends. There is always more that can be done.

But enough negativity and sarcasm which seem to flow out of me so naturally. I really do feel that this is a chance I haven't had in a very long time to begin to become whoever it is I know I'm supposed to be. Who I want to be.

"I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before."
-S.

I like this feeling. I like this process of pushing away everything that's covering up the real me. I like starting over - again. It's terrifying, but I think that this time, I'll get it right. Even though I just graduated about three months ago...I feel like I'm a new person already. It's weird, and scary. But I've begun to enjoy everything - even breathing - more than I did before. It has become so much more effortless to show my real self. Someone I feel like I haven't seen in a long time.