my brain, lately

-I'm in a pr-etty intense peanut butter phase right now.  I put it on an apple every morning.  I regularly eat peanut butter toast.  You know, where you spread it on that warm bread and it melts into heavenly goodness?  And sometimes I just eat it plain off of a spoon.  But only natural peanut butter.  Not that fake, plastic crap.  And I'm not saying that because I'm all healthy and pretentious.  I like natural peanut butter better because it...actually tastes like peanuts?  Which I thought was the whole point of peanut butter.


-Old friends.  Aren't they weird?  Some of them you can go years without seeing, and it feels as if they never left, while you simultaneously wonder how you ever made it through a day without them.  Other times, it's plain uncomfortable.  You're just standing there, staring at each other, waiting for the conversation to flow the way it used to.  And you're thinking, what happened here?  We used to be tight!   Back when you knew all of their secrets and favorite songs.  But now something is off.  And you'll probably never figure out what.


-I have this tendency, to get lost in beautiful things.  Which are far more common than people tend to realize.  Especially when you consider all of the insanely beautiful things that the sky does, every single day.  Really.  I am fully convinced that paying attention to the sky on a regular basis makes an individual's life at least 8% more enjoyable.  Lately I've been particularly taken with those few moments between sunset and night.  Where the stars are barely coming out, but there is still the tiniest bit of light coming from the western horizon.  Magic.


-Do you ever forget your age?  When someone asks you for it, you get all mixed up between last year's and this year's and wonder if you're even a person at all.  If it weren't for math I probably would have lost track years ago.  I hate that I just found a practical reason for math to exist.


-There is this line from a Conor Oberst song: "I watch you braid your hair; you're from another time, when the earth wasn't so angry, and God was on our side."  I've always wanted to be that girl.  You know?  The soft, gentle, sweet-natured lady with the loose curls and the classy wardrobe.  Who is typically found in a skirt somewhere, picking flowers and singing.  But I'm much too distracted.  With short, edgy hair cuts.  Busy patterns.  Jeans.  And the fact that part of me also wants to look like Maja Ivarsson.  Contradiction, contradiction.

-I'm definitely PMSing today.  Definitely.  And I know this because every single person I've had to call for work today has hurt my feelings.  Or, I guess I should say, I've gotten my feelings hurt by them.  All I can think of is that line from You've Got Mail.  "It's not personal - it's business."  But I can't fathom that right now.  Because right now, the perfect storm is brewing inside of my body and everything, and I do mean everything, seems as personal as the most awkward medical exam.

who knows.

Someday I'm going to have a house that is covered in vines.  Just like this.  I really will.  Watch me.

        "My room and car aren't always clean.  I don't typically put a great 
       amount of effort into 'getting ready' (hair, make up, etc.)  I just figure 
       that the people who love me will love me either way.  Maybe I'm not 
       trying to be beautiful, understood or liked at the moment.  So what?  
       If you don't love me just because my face isn't shining like yours, 
       that's probably more your problem than mine." 

I was just cleaning out my old email address today, and found the above paragraph hidden in my old drafts.  I found it hilarious.  Mostly because not much has changed over the years.  Since, you know...

2007

Unfortunately, my hair will never be this long and beautiful again.  It just doesn't grow like that anymore.  But at least my face is no longer in a perma-stoned expression at all hours of the day.  Just FYI, I was never actually stoned.  Really.

And, yes, I said "old" email address.  Because we all created an email account when we were approximately 10-13 years old that we kept until it became much too embarrassing for us to do so anymore.  (Mine had to do with The Lord of the Rings, of course.)  Then we switched to Gmail, and use the old address to received additional free months of Netflix access and for giving to non-profit organizations when they ask if you want a newsletter and you feel like you'd be rude if you didn't say yes.  You know what I mean.  Don't even.  

-Roxberry.  Se-ver-al times a week.  Because HEAT.  Summertime makes me spend a stupid amount of money on cold fruity beverages and I don't even feel bad because I work full-time and that means I can afford to allow myself one superfluous habit.  The trouble is, I allow myself a great amount more than one.

-Brownies.  Mint ones.  Because I've been giving into the demands of PMS since 2003.

This was nonsense.

stress eating.

You know that feeling you get after examining the countless aspects of your life and you realize that you need to improve
and be better
and work harder...at every single one of them?

But that's way too overwhelming of a project to even try to come up with a tackling plan for, so you just go get a 3 Musketeers bar and frantically pound it down, outer-chocolate-shell first?

Me neither.

Seriously though, I've always had this sneaking suspicion in my head that, somewhere between childhood and adolescence, something in me sort of disconnected.  Some vital plug lost touch with a crucial outlet, and here I am.  Dysfunctional and unable to complete tasks that the vast majority of people seem to be able to do in their sleep.  When all I want to do is sleep.  Sleep sleep.

Just, why does everything have to be a jigsaw puzzle?  Why can't I paint by numbers?