warm nostalgia.

via *

eyes wide open 

through the night, 

never enough sunlight. 

sleeping through the morning 

most everyday.  

we greet a cloudless sky, 

make our way outside. 

we had one meeting place, 

for a few months after May.

an unlicensed drive, 

try to outrun our lives.  

perfect song on repeat.  

I couldn't tell 

what it would mean to me. 

but we kept up a decent pace, 

for those few months after May.  

you wonder if it will be this way.  

next year, the next day.  

wondering how long we'd last 

on nothing but sun rays.  

living only for the summer, 

never counting days.  

it wouldn't be this way. 

but we kept it up like no one could,

for those few months after May.

none.

While you were away,
I learned to keep myself company
for longer than anyone should.
While you were away,
I picked lilacs to lure you in,
but it didn't do any good.

I won't be unreasonable.
I won't say I blame you
for everything wrong with me.
But it does seems as though
you're at the heart of all my stress.

There's no telling when I'll see you again.
But thanks for being present when you could.
Thanks for assembling me, I guess.

a different kind of missing.

The thing is, I tried to make plans, but you only canceled again.  And I have no doubt that you really were sick and tired, like you said.

I just hope not of me.

Maybe by now we're more like two people with memories than actual friends.  Because you no longer rely on me to remind you to breathe, though I think that was the goal all along.  And this next part is selfish, I'd never deny that even once. I guess I just miss how it felt for you to need me.

"we got no food. we got no jobs..."

I forced myself out of bed this morning.  I forced myself out of my warm comfy jammies and into a stiff pair of jeans and a t-shirt.  I actually used a blow drier on my hair.  I even had a few extra moments to put some mascara on these typically bare lashes.  I had to leave the adorable face of my husband and kitten, and walk out the door into the lone and dreary world.

And how did that world reward me for my efforts?  Ice.  Ice all over the place.  Ice on my wind shield, ice under my shoes.  But not the obvious  kind of ice that you see and immediately think, "Hey, that's ice, I should probably walk slower."  This ice wasn't messing around.  This ice was perfectly clear and camouflaged and out to get me.

Unfortunately, I didn't take notice of this ice until after slipping right off of my feet, landing directly on my hip and knee. 

How delicious is my husband.

I've had it with this dump of a season!  I need a beach!  I need warmth.  I need melted chap stick and my poofy floral clown pants.  I need sandals or just no shoes at all.  I need that otherworldly feeling of slightly sunburnt skin.  I need some vitamin D, y'all.  And not from a bottle.  From the sky!

I need the smell of Summer, I need its noises in my ears.

Tessa!

A little over a year ago, life was strange and taking unexpected turns as usual.  I was attending a single's ward, and had just gotten through one of the most bizarre dating experiences of my entire life (which should only be anticipated when attending a single's ward).  For the sake of anyone who happens to read this post, I'll leave out the details and just sum it up by saying that the situation involved really awkward poems posted online, very strange letters received in the mail, and a complete misunderstanding regarding the word "repulsive."  I still deny using in the manner that I was accused of, but I digress.

Shortly after getting through these puzzling events, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the summer, I received a phone call.  On the other line was a girl named Tessa.  She was very giggly, which, in turn, made me giggly.  Which is not something I tend to be very often.  I knew her from my ward and also from the dance floor at my birthday party about six months prior to this phone call.  She really owns on a dance floor.  This was something I admired about her, along with her endearingly petite size and the way she pulled off really short hair.

Anyway, this girl named Tessa was calling me concerning an awkward dating situation she was in regarding the very same person I mentioned in the first paragraph of this post.  She knew I had recently been involved with said person, and was asking for some advice.  I really didn't have much for her, considering the confusion I had been left with after my own experiences with this person, and their general lack of emotional stability.

It wasn't long before I was invited over to Tessa's house to discuss these strange events, along with watching girly entertainment and filling our bodies with chocolate and other refined sugars.  All it took was a few hours of conversation for us to realize that, yes, we were on the same brain wave.  And this is about when we became best friends. 

Now, I don't mean to say that I was Tessa's only best friend.  No, that would be quite arrogant of me.  Tessa is like a butterfly.  She's charming and small and cute and makes you happy.  People are drawn to her, just like they are butterflies.  She is hilarious, has one of the best senses of humor I've ever come across, and makes what would normally be the most drab activities into some of the most fun you've had in your life.  Her taste in music is immaculate, especially since it's almost identical to mine.  After spending a decent amount of time with her, I realized how many people considered her their best friend.  And it only made sense.

I don't really need a reason to write a blog post about one of the most wonderful friends I've ever had in my whole life.  She's a lovely person, so why not?  But what prompted me to write this today is because this dear friend of mine is moving away!  Out of state!  To the land of Idaho.  The good news is that she's doing this with her husband, who deserves her entirely, and who she loves dearly.  I am very happy that she found such an upstanding man to be with, I'm just sad she has to go.

So, here's to the late-night drives blasting Taking Back Sunday songs, to the bowling nights where we just couldn't stop dancing, to putting rags in the road, watching chick flicks, venting to each other at random times via text  message, late-night conversations in her basement where I lived due to the charitable nature of her lovely parents, scripture texts, spiritual talks, ghost stories, singing "Big Wave" way too many times, the pictures she took of me all in one night where I look like I'm crying, her helping me realize that I should just marry Drew already, listening to all of her crazy voices, Eskimo, Eskimo voice, the Haunted Circus and our confusion at when clowns became cannibals, her mustache made of real human hair, the really awkward first song at her birthday party, Butt Fudge, our mutual need for verbal confirmation, our mutual opinion that people should just be nice, our mutual opinion on what a nice person even is, Color Code adventures, her awesome artwork, her ability to help me not take everything so seriously, really irreverent Sacrament meetings full of uncontrollable laughter, really irreverent Relief Society meetings fully of uncontrollable laughter, all of my friends saying, "Who IS this girl?" when I first started bringing her around, etc, etc, etc.

Don't get me wrong, I plan on being friends with this lovely lady for my entire life!  And I know Marcus will take good care of her.  But I'll miss her dearly.

Thanks for your friendship, Little Tessa!  Please visit.  I love you.

cp.

"I was guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress don't speak as loud as my heart."

"oh, take me back to the start."