when i woke up

I was sitting in my Sunday best across the room from the kind of man I hoped would still exist in a few years.  As opposed to the loose canons I always seemed to find myself in close proximity to.  The kind that ignore your phone calls and inhale illegal substances and then tell you they didn't. 

Yes, this man in front of me was the kind of man who most definitely answered every one of his wife's phone calls, and who probably never inhaled things for fun.  That's what I was thinking.  He told me that my past was set in stone, but that I couldn't let that tether me down, away from the better things.

I remember imagining myself as a statue.  Set in stone. My past-self, with the blank, passive expression and the terrified eyes.

The only thing you can do is move forward with all of the strength you have and make as many memories as you can to make the bad ones, the repulsive ones, seem smaller somehow.  After awhile, they feel like less apart of you.

So, if you're one of the unfortunate, one of the manipulated and deceived who let a poisonous boy who never deserved to touch you, touch you, at least you have that to look forward to.  And by "that" I mean the entire rest of your life.

my brain.

Any and all actions requiring, demanding absolute acknowledgement.  Proving confidence.  Keep patting that forehead dry.  A lack of meaning is to be proven.  Wondering why.  It's a contradiction, isn't it?  Proving something to be nothing at all.  Breathe out romantic phrases.  Too much sweetness, just choke.  What actions were taken in the sight of God to deserve this?  Consider the possibility.  To deserve her?  You don't.

Just hanging here.  Let down.  We can't help but keep score.  Hope in these old wives tales.  Hope in these less-than truths.  The fate of a blided woman. No hope except in her own soul.  What could you offer.  What wouldn't you take. Body an empty vessel.  Bearing this filthiness.

 AND WHAT WON'T YOU TAKE AWAY. 

No man could comprehend.  Stomach turning.  The need for her.  Faceless. Her very self will be lost.  Hands on her mouth.  Stomp it out.  The need for her.  And just any.  Faceless.  Sightless.  Senseless. Touch purity.  Fulfilling bottomless greed.  What doesn't she give? Convince her.  She wanted to know better.  Hands over mouth.  Eyeless.  Deny.  Only way to survive.