9/9/15

of late

I've become less dependent on verbal validation. Not completely independent. But definitely less than I have been in the past. It's been kind of weird. I used to feel like I had a serious problem with compliments. Like I couldn't quit them and if I went too long without one I'd get all twitchy and have withdrawls. "LOVE ME!" Now, compliments have a strange effect. They make me feel suspicious. Like givers of compliments are either humoring me or want something from me. Which probably means I went from one extreme to the other. Which probably still isn't healthy. But when have I ever been.

I've learned that I don't actually need a bra with enough support padding and underwire to build a small house. The trouble is, from the time you're 12, you're told that boobs the way they come are wrong. They aren't lifted and separated as they were meant to be. The way in which they hang from your chest is incorrect and an abomination in the sight of all. But I realized this year that the way my 24-year-old boobs behave is actually perfectly acceptable to me. Not that I'm constantly going braless. That would be a little too free and breezy for my taste. But I have been going with less bra, if you will. As in, bras that don't look so much like something you'd have use for in a medical emergency. And it's really quite nice. I wish I would have figured this out ages ago.

It seems more and more to me that growing up is a constant re-assessment of what you've been told is right for you and what actually is right for you.

I've come to the conclusion that most everything is hard the first time around. You're going to be frustrated. You're going to feel embarrassed and vow to never try anything new again. But, as Cousin Violet once said, Life is a game in which the player must appear ridiculous. So, show up and appear ridiculous. Break down walls of fear. Appear ridiculous.

The way I did at Open Mic Night last night when I didn't realize my guitar was out of tune until after I had started playing and just then noticed that I didn't bring a tuner on stage so I had to do it by ear and then I put the damn capo on the wrong damn fret and sang the whole damn song in a lower key with a mouth so dry I could hardly finish the verses because I didn't take a drink of water like I told myself I would before starting the song. See? Ridiculous. But I'm going to keep doing it until it isn't so ridiculous anymore.

I guess living is something we must keep doing until it doesn't feel so ridiculous anymore.

8 comments:

  1. So many wise words in this for reals. Maybe I should go without a bra sometimes?! I will forever give you all of the compliments because you're a person I reaaaaallly like like.

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    1. And I will forever appreciate them because I like you too and you give the best compliments out of anyone!

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  2. I always wondered about bra-wearing -- when did it start and WHY? Who looked at their boobs and thought, "These need to be lifted, rounded, and separated. Then maybe I'll finally be accepted!"??? Haha. It can't be the "pointy" thing since the pointy-boob trend came back in the 70's. All I know is it takes me about 10 seconds to free myself from the contraption once I walk in the door at home. I love being free -- at home.

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    1. I wonder as well! I mean, it does make sense and I'm not fully against bras. Only uncomfortable/excessive ones. And they do seem a much better alternative to the corset! haha do you think the pointy thing will come back in style with the rest of the retro look? this should be interesting.

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  3. I wish I felt that way about my boobs. I'm sure I did, pre-baby! Pregnancy and breastfeeding, I tell ya. I feel like I have "no choice" but to wear a bra, now. Sometimes I wish that I had taken a picture of my "prefect sized" boobs before my pregnancy. But they now serve their purpose, so that's neat.

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    1. haha that is neat! Mine are just sitting here with nothing to do and yours are helping to raise children. This reminds me of a quote from New Girl, "Give my nipples a purpose!" I hope you've seen it or this might be awkward.

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  4. Honestly open mic nights with that sort of honesty and raw sound are my favorites, because it's not so rehearsed you might as well just listen to the studio edit. ;) I'm sure everyone still loved it.

    "It seems more and more to me that growing up is a constant re-assessment of what you've been told is right for you and what actually is right for you."

    God, this is everything I've been feeling for the last 6 years, really. Since I was in college long enough to be out of my house and realize that my dad's point of view isn't my own. And every day since then that feeling has grown until I realize there are easier way to do things and think. That doesn't mean our parents were wrong, but it's just not right for you. And when you figure that out and you aren't mad about it, that's a fulfilling feeling. You're becoming your own person.

    As for boobs. I feel you. There have been plenty of times that I'll have an undershirt on with that extra like cloth that can hold the ladies up (not the padded built-in bra kind, kill me), and I'll be at work with my bra's underwire killing me, and I'll go into the bathroom and just take the bra off and stuff it in my purse 'cause I know my boobies and undershirt got dis. It feels so much better.

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  5. I love you. And your writing. Sorry for all my 1am rambles on your blog posts. But I'm feeling things and I have words actually coming to my head and this is a rare thing for me right now, but your writing has that kind of affect on me.

    That first paragraph though. Yes. I flit back and forth between the two extremes. I don't know what the root of it is, but it's a issue. I'm trying to learn the lesson in paragraph four without having to actually put myself out there and risk of the chance of embarrassment.

    That last sentence is amazing. You're amazing.

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