of late

I've become less dependent on verbal validation. Not completely independent. But definitely less than I have been in the past. It's been kind of weird. I used to feel like I had a serious problem with compliments. Like I couldn't quit them and if I went too long without one I'd get all twitchy and have withdrawls. "LOVE ME!" Now, compliments have a strange effect. They make me feel suspicious. Like givers of compliments are either humoring me or want something from me. Which probably means I went from one extreme to the other. Which probably still isn't healthy. But when have I ever been.

I've learned that I don't actually need a bra with enough support padding and underwire to build a small house. The trouble is, from the time you're 12, you're told that boobs the way they come are wrong. They aren't lifted and separated as they were meant to be. The way in which they hang from your chest is incorrect and an abomination in the sight of all. But I realized this year that the way my 24-year-old boobs behave is actually perfectly acceptable to me. Not that I'm constantly going braless. That would be a little too free and breezy for my taste. But I have been going with less bra, if you will. As in, bras that don't look so much like something you'd have use for in a medical emergency. And it's really quite nice. I wish I would have figured this out ages ago.

It seems more and more to me that growing up is a constant re-assessment of what you've been told is right for you and what actually is right for you.

I've come to the conclusion that most everything is hard the first time around. You're going to be frustrated. You're going to feel embarrassed and vow to never try anything new again. But, as Cousin Violet once said, Life is a game in which the player must appear ridiculous. So, show up and appear ridiculous. Break down walls of fear. Appear ridiculous.

The way I did at Open Mic Night last night when I didn't realize my guitar was out of tune until after I had started playing and just then noticed that I didn't bring a tuner on stage so I had to do it by ear and then I put the damn capo on the wrong damn fret and sang the whole damn song in a lower key with a mouth so dry I could hardly finish the verses because I didn't take a drink of water like I told myself I would before starting the song. See? Ridiculous. But I'm going to keep doing it until it isn't so ridiculous anymore.

I guess living is something we must keep doing until it doesn't feel so ridiculous anymore.