4/28/15

the sun stays out until nine now.



Some time ago, I realized that I've never actually attended a funeral or had to deal with a flooded toilet.  So, I guess I have a lot to learn still.

But we already knew this.

I guess I've never been all that afraid of having kids.  That was more of a cover for the real issue.  I'm actually excited to have kids, when I think about it.  I've always said, "Kids don't like me, I feel so awkward around them, I don't know what to do with them," and all anyone would say was, "Yeah, but when they're your own..."

And I get it.  I do.  Spending time with my two brother's kids has helped a lot.  Seeing friends have babies and their lives not ending has helped a lot.  I maybe feel about 10% less awkward around children at this point.  But progress is progress.  All I know is, I am in fact excited to be a mother someday.  I'm excited for that change, that sanctification which seems to take place in every woman when they bring a precious little lump of life into the world.  I'm excited for the miracle of it all.  For smiling grandparents.  Seeing Drew as a dad.  Can you even imagine?  Big, tall, sweet, bearded Drew holding a little baby burrito in one hand.

It's like I said, I've never actually been afraid to have kids.  I'm not afraid of being a mother.  Honestly, I think I'll make a damn good one once I get the hang of things.  Just like anything else.  I didn't even know it until recently, but this was just cop-out, something I said in order to avoid the real issue.  

The issue of my fear of looking back on my life to see that I did nothing more than wait around for someone to impregnate me, leading to my inevitable loss of identity to a screaming, pooping child who will then grow up to resent me in spite of all of my time and sacrifice, and then leave me with a warped body and empty existence.

I know.  The drama!

As it turns out, I'm afraid of motherhood actually means, I'm afraid I won't do or become anything that I want in this lifewhich actually means, I'm too lazy to make changes or try something new and I'm going to blame it on a fictitious fear of having children.

You see?  Not that I'm planning to preggo my eggo any day too soon.  But isn't self-discovery fun?

6 comments:

  1. Oh man. As a mother, these were (are?) my thoughts about having kids. I struggle with this SO MUCH. It IS different when they're your own, but having a kid didn't magically make me into a kid person. I don't know. No conclusion to this comment, just solidarity.

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    1. I like it when you comment. Conclusions aren't really necessary, for me, so I'm okay with that.

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  2. having children sure is a trending topic these days ^^ it's such a weird thing to me. ever since i was little i kind of made up my mind that i didn't want children. on the other hand i love children and the idea of being a mother so much. i don't know, i guess i'll just wait and see what happens.

    oh, self-discovery!

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  3. Yay for self exploration! I can't imagine myself having kids--I feel like I'd be the most inept mother--but in a different way, I can't imagine living and dying without having had kids. It's definitely a terrifying concept, though, from beginning to end, but my gosh, you get to be responsible for the magic of the in between, and how amazing would that be?

    www.carlyandmoth.blogspot.com

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  4. I didn't think about this till my babe was about 2 months old; then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a hard few months, but I have come to realize you can be BOTH a great mom and a great whatever else you wanna be. In fact, having a babe to balance out my other life's aspirations have made everything richer

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  5. I didn't think about this till my babe was about 2 months old; then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a hard few months, but I have come to realize you can be BOTH a great mom and a great whatever else you wanna be. In fact, having a babe to balance out my other life's aspirations have made everything richer

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