Some time ago, I realized that I've never actually attended a funeral or had to deal with a flooded toilet. So, I guess I have a lot to learn still.
But we already knew this.
I guess I've never been all that afraid of having kids. That was more of a cover for the real issue. I'm actually excited to have kids, when I think about it. I've always said, "Kids don't like me, I feel so awkward around them, I don't know what to do with them," and all anyone would say was, "Yeah, but when they're your own..."
And I get it. I do. Spending time with my two brother's kids has helped a lot. Seeing friends have babies and their lives not ending has helped a lot. I maybe feel about 10% less awkward around children at this point. But progress is progress. All I know is, I am in fact excited to be a mother someday. I'm excited for that change, that sanctification which seems to take place in every woman when they bring a precious little lump of life into the world. I'm excited for the miracle of it all. For smiling grandparents. Seeing Drew as a dad. Can you even imagine? Big, tall, sweet, bearded Drew holding a little baby burrito in one hand.
It's like I said, I've never actually been afraid to have kids. I'm not afraid of being a mother. Honestly, I think I'll make a damn good one once I get the hang of things. Just like anything else. I didn't even know it until recently, but this was just cop-out, something I said in order to avoid the real issue.
The issue of my fear of looking back on my life to see that I did nothing more than wait around for someone to impregnate me, leading to my inevitable loss of identity to a screaming, pooping child who will then grow up to resent me in spite of all of my time and sacrifice, and then leave me with a warped body and empty existence.
I know. The drama!
As it turns out, I'm afraid of motherhood actually means, I'm afraid I won't do or become anything that I want in this life, which actually means, I'm too lazy to make changes or try something new and I'm going to blame it on a fictitious fear of having children.
You see? Not that I'm planning to preggo my eggo any day too soon. But isn't self-discovery fun?