05-03

tired of my lilacs?  well.  I don't care.

Do not ask yourself, "Am I any good?"

That is not the right question.

Not to say that any question is really wrong in a moral or technical sense, except for maybe something like, What's the problem with Kristen Stewart playing Julia in the latest film adaptation of "1984"?  That is one of the few examples of a question that is wrong, in too many ways.  

What I'm trying to say is, whether or not you are good at a specific thing is not the sort of question capable of building you into your ideal self.  You know what I mean.  That version of yourself that's been tweaked and refined, buffed and polished in all of the right places.  The version of yourself you've always planned on becoming eventually.  Ultimately, the self you were meant to become.  

Whether you are good or not good at something is irrelevant. Irrelevant as in, not the  point.  As in never has been.  Not to mention, subjective.  But never mind that.  Even if you are exceedingly gifted in a certain activity, that doesn't necessarily mean it's beneficial to you.  So banish that question from your mind.  Instead, ask yourself, "Why do I do what I do?"  And I don't mean your have-to's, like working, I mean the things that you do when you're free of have-to's.  

Do you do it because you love to?  Because this certain something fills you up with the kind of joy that makes your chest feel too full?  Is it because what you do is the sort of thing that causes you to reach beyond what you previously thought possible?  Because it prompts you to consider the beauty in what you normally  dismiss as mundane?  Does it make you feel more like yourself?  Does it make you happier to be?  To be anywhere at all?

Then this thing, that you do?  Keep doing it.  Not simply for the sake of being good at something, not for the sake of pleasing anyone else.  You cannot improve without a certain amount of failure and it is an impossible feat to lift another higher than where you are.  Just do something for the sake of the good it does for you.  And other good things will find you.