1/27/14

she's still here.

"Well, I try my best
To be just like I am
But everybody wants you
To be just like them." | 
Bob Dylan
When we grow up, we like to think we're some new creature.  We leave behind all of the awkwardness and acne, gaining a full-time job and some certificate of higher education.  We blindly expect anything that happened back then to remain there, in the Back Then. 

What nobody tells you, however, is you're a summary of every scene you've been a witness to and every person you've ever met.  You're still that girl.  The one from back then. Regardless of your mortgage payment and lack of curfew.  Regardless of all your regenerated cells and refined taste buds, you're still the kid who ate lunch in the bathroom stall at school one time.  You know, like people do in the movies.  Except that it actually happened in real life because walking out of third period and showing your face to other people who expected it to look all shiny was simply not happening that day.  Because you realized in an instant that all of the florescent lighting and wide open space was more than you could handle.

As much as you'd like to disown this truth, you're still the girl who found refuge in that metal rectangle, trying to eat her sandwich but mostly crying.  No, sobbing.  Shamelessly.  And you know it was shamelessly because you still remember the stranger who braved to ask the question, "Girl crying in the stall, are you okay?"  And even though you could hardly utter a comprehensive reply through your gasps for air, you remember appreciating the gesture all the same.  

To this day, like it or not, you are that same Unofficial Orphan.  The one who took shelter in other people's identities and ate dinner at their houses several times a week.  The girl who made a habit of signing up for heartbreak to avoid real vulnerability.  Still the girl who wondered what was wrong with herself after realizing she felt loneliest with another person at her side.  The girl who, without books to carry, never had any idea what to do with her arms because she thought too hard about it.  The girl who thought too hard about all of it.  That girl who mastered the art of disappearing and missed the point of high Grade Point Averages.  

And in spite of all the years between back then and right this instant, all of the wrestling with reality and the efforts to outrun it, that girl?  She's still here.

25 comments:

  1. this is so raw and honest, and so true. We all have to come to terms with the fact that we cant outrun our past, or forget who we once were, even if we change and grow. it's important to remember, to learn from the hardships and move forwards. I love your writing xxx

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    1. I agree, it is important. We need to learn from the hard stuff and appreciate the other...stuff. It's both a good and difficult thing to deal with at times. Thank you. I love yours!

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  2. I so hear you here. I realized it when I moved to another country. You know, people usually talk about the language barrier, or financial difficulties, or cultural differences and all the stuff, but all these have never been an issue for me. What was an issue though was coming to terms with the fact that I'm still *the same girl*. I speak another language, and I may get a job and another degree, but how does it matter? If I still go to read to the nearby square because I suddenly feel claustrophobic at home? if I still wander around hoping I'll just accidentally bump into *that very important person (for me) whom I need to see now*, but I just can't brace myself to pick up the phone and say hey, I so need to see you now, no particular reason. (I did the same when I was at school). If I still think stuff like "if now I go down the street without stepping on the border of the tiles such and such will happen". Etcetera. What's the distance? No matter how far you go, you never escape from that girl. (Maybe it's not a bad thing? Maybe it's just something we have to accept? I don't know)

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    1. Right. Exactly. Though I would say that a new country and a new language IS progress! haha it feels like you can't make any real progress until you properly deal with the former issues. And who knows how to do that?!

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  3. This is good stuff, right here. Good. Stuff.

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  4. I like this! We can grow and learn from our best. Be better. But a part of our past still defines us. Why we are the way we are now, and what we have learned. You're such a great writer!

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    1. Thank you Sarah! It's true. It's definitely a balance.

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  5. I think I needed this today, Meg. I think so often we want to walk away from yesterday and forget that those moments don't fade away, they're just compacted into your person and unless you recognize them and say soft words where they can here, one of these days they'll all spill out.

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    1. That really is the way it works, I totally agree. I like what you said, "compacted into your person." It's interesting how these things affect us, for better or worse. Thanks for reading.

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  6. this post literally made me feel like I was reading the inside of MY brain. I often ate lunch alone too. not in the bathroom but I would sit out in my car. and its so true you don't really grow out of some of that stuff. I still walk around not knowing what to do with my hands if i'm carrying something. i'm glad I am who I am though no matter how awkward I might be :) thanks for this post. so lovely. your writing style is great.

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    1. Car lunches are the best lunches! Thank YOU for reading. I'm glad you can relate, helps me feel less...well, you know. Us quiet people have a hard time realizing that there are people who relate, because the other people are quiet as well. Funny world.

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    1. That is not even true but I'll thank you anyway, and say you're one to talk.

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  8. This is pretty great. Johanna's comment above really resonates with me, too.

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  9. I always think that one day I'll wake up and be someone else, have someone else's memories, but deep down I know that can never happen. It scares me.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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    1. Waking up with someone else's memories would be very interesting. Pretty scary in and of itself, but still. Interesting thought.

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  10. the wide open spaces and flourescent lights i could handle. it was the mocking eyes and loudly whispered insults that drove me away.

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    1. I'm sorry :( People can be viscous, but I'm glad you escaped.

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  11. This is probably my favorite posts of yours. It took me back to our days spent together when we would drive around talking about life, boys, parents, school etc. You are one of my favorite people, Meg. You may not know this, but you taught be a lot about being true to yourself and just being who you are, no matter how silly or crazy that was. You were one of the best friends I could ever have and I'm glad I was able to meet you when we were in marching band. You really are a great person, inside and out!

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    1. Trish, you stop that! You're going to make me cry! I miss our old days so badly. Obviously, it's good that we moved on, especially from the boys. (I mean, barf.) But it was always so much fun and so carefree. I never understood why you wanted me around because I was younger and you were cool and could drive. You introduced me to Brand New, concerts, jamming in the car, sarcasm, using swear words in a subtle yet hilarious manner, etc. Basically all of the staples of who I am today haha. I guess what I'm getting at is you're one of the friends who molded me, and I still do things that remind me of you. And that's why you'll forever be one of my very best friends.

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    2. Ms. Bird, you are 100% amazing. I think about our old days all the time and I always smile! But yes..those boys had to go. If only we knew what we know now, right?! I actually listened to Brand New the other day and immediately thought of you! You also one of those friends who molded me and got me away from "bubbles" with the hairy back.
      We should probably see each other more often. I pretty much live 5 min away from you.

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  12. we can't outrun her we have to embrace her.I still can't though xx


    dreaming is believing

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    1. Right? haha that's the whole dilemma right there!

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