to struggle in opposition;
          to assert or maintain earnestly. 

I was angry with you.

Not by any means was this justified.  But I was angry, with you.

Never mind that everything I needed had been provided.  I had been held up and prodded forward in every challenge I faced.  Never was I forced to do any single thing alone.

You knew I knew it.

I didn't want to bend my knees or lay down my head in submission.  Trying, shameless, to prove some pathetic point.  That I was capable of handling this.  I could do it.  On my own.

All that I really proved, I think, is that I wasn't and couldn't.  Which had been made clear eons ago. The only way to be supported was to put my weight on you.

You knew I knew it.

I was complaining in my mind, about how I never heard from you anymore.  That it used to happen all of the time, don't you remember?  A sentence or a thought stood out, an old friend came back from the dead.  And I was so sure that this was a means of communication.  Straight from you to me.

Of course, I took the time to explain my plans.  I was going to give up.  And don't you try to stop me.

I said that every morning was impossible.  Every day a battle.  I was going to allow this relentless current to pull me out, to take me where it would.  Because what did you care.  I didn't.

But that was all a lie.  And you knew I knew it.


  1. I recently discovered your blog! I think you are really an interesting, cool mormon lady! As I am I! I like this post. Sometimes it is hard to rely on the Lord, when you get so frustrated by life. I know there are times where I just don't feel important, or worth it. But you truly are worth everything, and the Lord does listen to you, and in His time he will answer your prayers! I hope you feel the peace of His love.

  2. thank you thank you, meg, for your comment. i feel really close to you, and hearing from you does help. all the way from canada ;) i hope you're well.

  3. Ah, so good. I think all of us can identify with this, at least to some point. We all face resistance in our relationships with God and we're always to blame. It's so funny too, that we continue to resist, even when we've tasted how so very good He is.

  4. Seriously lady, your posts are the some of the best words I read. Somehow, this is exactly what I was looking for as an answer. You are wonderful. A gem.


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