4/15/13

passive pacifist.

"My heart is filled with songs of forever,
of a city that endures when all is made new.
I know I don't belong here;
I'll never call this place my home.
I'm just passing through."

To you,

I'm sure you've probably wondered since why I was there for so long and then dropped it in what seemed like a matter of minutes.  You most likely don't understand how I could have gone from caring to not caring just like that.  I doubt that it made any sense to you when I started ignoring each and every phone call.  Did the sound of my voicemail become painful to hear?  I may have owed you more of an explanation than I gave.  To be truthful, for once, I had been disconnected for much longer than I lead on.  I guess I just assumed you'd notice after a while and I would get out of it without even having to say a word.  Unfortunately, this was my strategy for a great amount too many things.  Even in light of your own downfalls, this wasn't fair of me.

I'm not saying that it's right.  It's just that, with the complete lack of positive attention, I settled for the first source of any attention.  Unfortunately, that had to be you.

And you,

You won't believe me when I say that I'm sorry for missing that dinner we planned on.  And the other and the other.  You'll doubt me from now on, when I say, "Oh, yeah, I'll be there!  Totally, see you then."  I can only imagine how shocked you were, that time I found myself yelling my brains out at you while standing outside of the library on campus, like I had never yelled at anyone before.  My eyes were watering and I was shaky.  People were staring.  I only half-noticed.  It became apparent that you had no idea how exhausted I was, that I was completely incapable of carrying my weight as well as yours.  It was a mistake to assume you somehow knew.  I should have told you before it all came spilling out of me like that, boiling hot and bound to leave scars.

It's just that I didn't know how to tell you.  I didn't want to let you down.  It seemed like a better idea to passively take it all in, but the truth is that I was deficient.  I had spent my entire life keeping my head down to avoid the conflict that I don't think I knew "No" was even a valid answer.


And You,

You had such unprecedented timing, just showing up the way you did.  At the precise moment that everyone I had come to depend on copped out, fell away, turned to traitors, you were there.  You were holding my head to your chest while I cried in the Costa Vida parking lot.  You were telling me that you knew I've been through a lot you hadn't, but this you could relate to.  This you understood.

It was never a question of whether or not I could trust you.  It was more dependent on whether or not I was going to decide to deserve what I knew you could give.

7 comments:

  1. ohmygoodness. you did it again.
    i love how you don't tell everything but you make me feel everything.
    like seriously.
    goosebumps.
    xx

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    1. You are way too nice haha thank you!

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  2. i'm way too guilty of this. the first one. all the time. i don't know how to deal with confrontation with friends. my husband+confrontation on the other hand, bring it, i'm never afraid to say what's on my mind.

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    1. Same here! My husband seems to bring out my assertive side, but around anyone else I've always been so timid. Cheers to healthy marriages :)

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  3. i can't even handle this. your writing is flawless. i am seriously in awe at this post. as cheesy as this sounds, this just speaks to my heart.

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    2. You're so sweet! Thank you very much, made my day.

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