You're never gonna be that little ball of light you planned on evolving into. The smile that everyone that surrounds is expecting is never gonna come without an effort. So give it up. Let all of the hopeful circumstances you had saved up in your mind off the hook. You're never gonna be what they are in your eyes. Not to anyone. There's a reason this situation feels so familiar. So loosen than grip that's turning your knuckles white, that's burning your hands and fingers, causing more damage than it would if you would just let it go. Watch your last connection slip away and out of sight. Just leave it there on the curb like you might all of your failed attempts at organization, that the very sight of causes something deep inside of you to crumble. It broke. You're broken. Stop acting as if it's a secret to anyone. The recollections you're seeing everyone run back to, they aren't yours, not any part. The time to build those retaining walls passed you by long ago. While you were still trying to wrap your head around existence, breathing. You've already spent all the time you can afford considering the unfair nature of the situation. It hasn't changed a thing. So take a step forward and away.