like God breaking rocks the size of mountains in his hands

I spend a lot of energy wondering what's next.

Will we live here forever, or end up moving around? Would I mind it, either way?

Will I stay the same or keep evolving? Am I really evolving or just becoming more and more of what I've been all along?

Will I reach my goals? Will these goals even matter to me in a few years, months, weeks?

Will I get the job I interviewed for or die in this cubicle wearing this same headset?

When will we know it's time for kids? Does anyone ever really know, or is it one of those things that's never going to be convenient, so you just plug your nose and jump in even it seems like the last thing you want right now? What if I put it off for too long and end up barren and therefore unprofitable to this culture of family-sized bags of generic brand cereal?

And that's just skimming the surface. Not that I consider this impressive.

Last night, we sat on the front porch, rocking back and forth on the bench my dad recently built for us, Ron Swanson style. The cat jumped on our laps and off again, indecisive, as usual, about where she wanted to be. It was raining steadily, the silvery gray clouds that had loomed above throughout the day had finally descended and enveloped us in the storm. Our street had transformed something lovely in the delicious, eerie glow. Thunder rumbled and it sounded to me like God breaking rocks the size of mountains in his hands. I held my sweater tightly around me and cuddled into Drew's shoulder and I could occasionally smell the soup I had made earlier simmering from inside.

It was, I must pompously admit, one of the more perfect moments of my life. Rain, soup, kitty, Drew, front porch, rocking bench. What more do I need, really?

I said to him that I'm constantly torn between waiting for the future to hurry up and happen and clinging to this moment in our lives for as long as I possibly can. This moment where we can make PB and J's for dinner, if the thought of making actual dinner seems too great a feat. Where we can spend an entire Saturday watching movies, perfecting the art of lounging. This moment that almost feels like we're playing house and any day now we'll wake up to all of the responsibility and obligation. As much as I think about the future, now that I think about it, right now isn't so bad.

And he said, I know, right?


  1. Loved the pictures to accompany this and your thoughts.

    I particularly liked: "Will I stay the same or keep evolving? Am I really evolving or just becoming more and more of what I've been all along?"

    I've often looked at my own life and, despite all of the winding roads I've been down, I'm still able to connect the dots from who I was to who I am now--in small ways. It all sort of starts to fit together and make sense. I do believe I am still growing as a person, but it's comforting to know that I am happy with where I am going in life, and I can look back and see I never strayed far from who I really was.

    And there's still so much learning left to be done.

    The Golden Days

    1. Amen, amen. I like that idea of connecting dots. The more time passes, the more we're able to back away and see the bigger picture of it all. Very true, thanks for your thoughtful comments :)

  2. Oh man, I'm dying over my love for your photos. You probably hear this a lot but, they are *so* good!

    I know what you mean though. I'm constantly wondering what will happen to me, too. Will A,B,C ever change? I think most things always change actually, but like you said, hopefully it's the right kind of change that just makes us grow into more of who we actually are meant to be.

    P.S. I hope you get the job!

    1. Honestly, I can't say I hear it all that often. And definitely not often enough to be at all tired of it, so thank you so much!

  3. I'm so sleepy right now. I can't type. But I feel this. Some ifferent questions for a different stage of life, but same thought process. Those moments when none of those questions matter and the now is totally perfect... Those are the best.


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