When nobody else is there I can forget it, lose myself in mundane tasks and television. It's when someone else is around, expecting you to be a person. That's when it's most apparent that you are not.
I don't think it's really a matter of what I can or can't blame it on. I'm just someone who's mostly nothing.
I escape to the bathroom and surrender to a monsoon of sobs that had been accumulating in my chest like a boulder hanging from my heart. I'm startled at their number and intensity, all the while praying no one can hear. But, at the same time, maybe that would be for the best. Maybe they'd provide me with the answer to this equation and tell me why all of this is so silly - this mess in my head.
Because maybe it is silly. Maybe getting back to and making plans with people isn't really that hard. Maybe every single awkward situation I find myself in isn't entirely my own fault. Maybe I have just as much energy as the next person and simply lost it and can't remember when I had it last. Maybe everything I'm sad about is just one big silly delusion.
I look in the mirror and for some reason think of those Magic 8 balls that used to be somewhere in everyone's house. You'd ask a question and then shake them and the little triangle would stare at you from the tiny circular window and say something like, Outlook not so good. And then you'd wonder, Why do we own this? I felt like one of those Magic 8 balls, filled with nothing but water and bad news. I look at myself again, take note of my crooked eyes and how I'll probably need to stay in here a few more minutes so that nobody notices how shiny and red they are. I start picking at the skin on my nose that never seems to stop flaking and I think, So we're here again, are we? Crying in bathrooms and avoiding social contact?
And why not? It's quiet in here, and warm. And walls don't require an explanation.
Some people just suck and you're not one of them. And that's that.
ReplyDeletewow meg, are you me? it's incredible how you always so accurately describe how i feel. this is what always happens to me. i'm struggling so much with being someone. i do forget myself sometimes, when i am alone, but when i am with people and they expect me to be someone, i am confronted with it again and again. i am not a person in the way everyone else seems to be.
ReplyDeletei can't make peace with it, but i can't change it either.. so i hide myself as much as i can, starting all over again with every social situation i can't run from.
i wish i could come over and talk to you. to know that i am not the only one makes me feel so much better already.
what D said ^^^^ perfect.
ReplyDeleteit's easy to sit in the room and loose yourself in films and the repetitious playing a song over and over, but when people walk in or i walk out and the others smile and talk what do i do. what do i do. hide in the bathroom and take deep breaths.
I know it's a cliche to say this and I don't know how helpful it ever is to hear (isn't that funny about advice? When you are saying it it sounds so revolutionary and important but when you hear it it's like "yeah ok, whatever") but you aren't alone. I know that feeling all too well. Lately the energy in my house has been so horrible that I moved back home with my mom for a week. The crappy person who is causing the bad energy is leaving on Sunday but I don't know if I'm ready to go back to my house yet. I love my house, but that also means going back to adulthood and real life. In my childhood bedroom, I feel like my teenage self again with no BIG responsibilities and no BIG person job for BIG person bills. I'm in such denial about having to go home again. But, it's never as bad as I think it will be. Baby steps, I think.
ReplyDeleteYou are wonderful. Sending you infinite love.
first. that picture of you. love it.
ReplyDeleteit's late and i'm out of words. but i get this. i can never express it, but you always write exactly what i feel way too often. i wish we could hang out in real life. i feel like there wouldn't be this pressure between us to be a certain type of person. and it'd be okay like that.