Every Wednesday night, after scouts, Drew and I throw our Deseret Industries bowling ball bags into the car and make our way to Jack and Jill's - the original location. Because the new one is loud and ridiculous and displays images of Cowgirl Harlots.
The thing is, I'm pretty horrible at bowling. I've gotten slightly better, but my "slightly better" is everyone else's worst game of their lives. Not that this is a new situation for me. Games and competition have never been my thing. The one time we lost in marching band, I loudly cursed at all of the first years who only joined so they could be in the Macy's Day Parade. Also, I'm pretty sure I have anger problems.
We're in a team with one other couple, and we're the youngest team in the league, by probably decades. I always think, Sheesh, these people take this way too seriously! When, in reality, I probably don't take it seriously enough.
Last night, I had my best game of the season. Before I even started, instead of psyching myself out as usual, I thought to myself, Whatever, I'm tired of caring about how much I suck. And I just bowled. And did my best ever.
I think there's something to that.
Right before I started dating Drew, I had given up on men entirely. I said a prayer and told God I wasn't getting married so don't worry about helping me find that perfect man anymore. And then I found the world's most perfect man, like, immediately
I'm just really tired of caring. I worry about the most ridiculous things. Like the window panes in our house and how they'll hold up to the cold weather this year. Like Drew dying a terrible death. Like how quickly the snow melts off of the mountains in the Spring and will there be a drought? Things like black mold and bug infestations. My bones slowly dissolving away inside my body. Being abducted as I walk to my car.
During that best game of the season, I think I got a tiny little taste of what it feels like to be a non-neurotic person with a stable self-esteem. It was so nice. I felt such relief. I don't think I realized how much I had been carrying.
And so, I think I'm just going to stop. Stop caring. About who likes me and who doesn't and why or why not. About whether or not I'm good at things, whether or not I'm fun to be around. About snow caps and bone density. About my inability to look less like death on a daily basis.
This is what people my age posted on their Myspace "About Me" section, like, ten years ago, isn't it? How sad for me.
I'm just going to picture what I want, and do my best to be what I want, and hopefully that leads to something. Something more than the absolute madness that has been making my head feel like it weighs 100 pounds.
YOU'RE FREE!!!!!!! FLY FLY FLY! I LOVE IT! I'm so happy for your freedom!
ReplyDeleteAnd also, I wish we lived close so that we could go bowling with you & Drew! Because I'm embarrassingly bad at it, and it seems that it only got that way when Quinn & I started dating... how sad is that.. the one time it matters if you can bowl, I blew it! And ever since, I'm terrible - while Quinn always at least doubles my scores. I liked this post, and I like you (not that it matters, because who cares at this point who likes or dislikes whomever...) but... keep being free, Meg Bird (:
Thank you, Tiffany! hahaha I'm doing my best to fly!
DeleteI like this. And you. And I know it doesn't matter, but it's true. Isn't it funny how the moment we stop caring is usually when everything makes sense and falls into place.
ReplyDeleteIt is. It's funny in an almost annoying sort of way when you realize how much energy you've been wasting! But it's great when you finally get it.
DeleteI wish I could be on a bowling league. With you specifically. I also like this post a lot. It's something I too work on, as you know. Marcus asked me what neurotic meant the other day. I said you know, like me and Megan. And I do not mean that in a bad way. We would not have connected on the level we did if we were not how we are. I like your neurotic self. But if we can be neurotic in a way not so harmful to our lives than that is best and I can live with that.
ReplyDeleteYes. You are completely right. It can be a good thing. A funny thing. A really weird thing that our husbands must be very puzzled by, bless their hearts!
Deleteha. a bowling league. who would've thought?
ReplyDeleteseriously. love this post though. it sounds like you're been reading my mind or... maybe you're my long lost twin?
here's to picturing stable self esteem and not getting abducted on the way to the car.
i'm becoming an even bigger fan of yours.
I'd be honored to be your twin!
DeleteYou think so much like me.... my brain always thinks about the terrible things that could happen, but it is important to recognize it and make a change! I know I am trying to change :)
ReplyDeleteThis isn't sad at all. This was actually really inspiring to read. I care a lot too and I often wish I didn't but in some ways I'm happy to be as worried as I am... about some things. Others, ugh, why do I care so much about that? All that caring can get in the way of my happiness sometimes and lately it's been a bit easier to let that happy out.
ReplyDeleteIt can be hard to take on all the thoughts! I have the same problem, always wondering about things. It's that constant introspection. I've leaned on this verse more times than I care to admit: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7
ReplyDeleteAlso, mad props on the bowling league. How awesome are you?!