note to self.

This needs to stop. You need to figure out how to be a functioning human. You need to talk to other people. Be apart of the world. Connect. We are familiar with your counselor's opinion that you avoid this because you have a habit of protecting yourself. We are also aware that you disagree with this and simply think you "just aren't - good -at - people." But you are a people. You see what we mean?

You can't get away with existing without other members of existence. That is no way to live. We are telling you that is no way to live. You are not in survival mode. Not anymore. You are not strange. You are not special. You are made up of the same stuff as the rest of us. This isn't gym class. You don't have a note from mom explaining your scoliosis excusing you from any of this.

You need to wake up prior to fifteen minutes before leaving the house. We know you've had to get up an hour earlier than usual because of the new job. We know that's just been tragic for you. We know you hate mornings. We know you've always felt more alive late at night, whatever that means. We know very well that you wonder whether a steady paycheck and benefits and paid time off are worth it. You don't get to wonder about that. You have no choice. We realize you just got back from vacation, making everything that much more painful. Do you think anyone cares? Do you think that matters? We know you say this life seems to paralyze you. But that isn't something that makes sense to us, hence the blank look on our faces lacking in empathy or recognition. You do this to yourself, you know.

You do not have an excuse anymore. Summer is no longer for working on tan lines and sneaking into public pools at two am, and is hasn't been for some time now. You're grown and need to make it on your own. You don't want people's first impression when they see you to be, "Good gosh, what happened to you when you were young?" You need to do your hair. You need to do something with your face. You need to stop looking like you just woke up - all day long. It's scaring people.

You need to stop eating lunches that consist of french fries. You can't keep eating lunches that consist of french fries and expect to keep that figure. You do want to keep your figure, don't you? Ladies don't eat french fries dipped in chocolate frosties for lunch. That isn't their way. You can't expect to eat french fries and fried chicken and waffles all in one day and expect not to feel ill for at least 24 hours afterward. You're past the age where that is even an option. You aren't 18 anymore. And thank goodness you aren't 18 anymore. Right? You need to pack salads again. You need to exercise.

You don't even take the stairs anymore now that the building you work in only has one floor. That was your only method of exercise, Meghan. You aren't breaking a sweat at any point in your day, Meghan. Don't you know that isn't healthy? Don't you know that isn't acceptable for a functioning adult? Don't you know that adults go to the gym?

Chocolate does not count as dinner. You need to stop drinking as much Diet Dew as you do water. Who does that? People who do that? Guess what, they die. Painful, diseased deaths. Do you want a painful, diseased death? And please, don't bring up your wish of leaving this world in a roller coaster accident. Really?

You need to quit it with the dreaming in the day and living in the night. Successful people don't daydream. They use their time wisely. They are efficient and productive. You need to think ahead. Just a day into the future. Can you not do that? Everyone else in the world can do that. Why can't you just do that?