5/10/13

To you

I saw you standing not too far away, and knew that I should walk over and talk to you.  That would have been the normal and human thing to do.  But, as usual, my brain started racing and I couldn't think of one thing to say to you that I thought you'd consider worth being said.  I could already feel that all too familiar sting of another failed effort.  I wasn't up for it.  But by now you were looking back, so I just raised my arm up and moved it side to side.  I smiled a real smile that I honestly meant.  I meant it.

Because it was so good to see you, and to be reminded of the way that you stand and how your face looks in real life with light hitting it instead of just pictures on the internet.

To this day, I still think of how I regret this, of what I could have said if I had just taken several steps in your direction, swallowed hard, and opened my mouth.  I'm sure talking would have happened.  You usually made it easy on me, talking, because you made everything easy.  I think because you could always sense how unnatural I felt in social situations.  You'd compensate for me.

But I didn't.  I didn't move, and we all know you don't move to talk to anyone.  It isn't your fault, you've never had to.  And so I just stood there and waved and smiled, because it was the best I could do.  That best I can do that always fell short for you.

11 comments:

  1. This was marvelous. So delicate and real. I loved it.

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  2. ohmygoodness. could you just write a book describing everything I've ever been through and am going through? this is just beautiful and gah. just so fitting for different scenarios in my life right now. but of course, I am curious as to who this is about. but you can ignore my silly wonderings. but thank you so so much for sharing your writing because I always feel so normal after reading your blog. I feel less I must be the only one. I feel like I can sorta connect with someone. because they're going/gone through something similar. maybe. xx

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    1. I would be curious too, no worries! I didn't write it about any one person in particular, honestly. I just wrote about the feeling in general, which is basically how I feel about most anybody I've been friends with right now. I'm in an awkward place socially haha. This is from a few months ago and I kind of forgot about it.

      Thank you for the niceness!

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  3. This is so beautifully written, it felt like I was starting a really good book x

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  4. This is perfect. I have been in this situation too many times, and you seriously just describe it perfectly! I love this, and you have a way with words lady.

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    1. It does seem like a pretty common situation haha glad someone can relate!

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  5. Wow, this is powerful. I think we've all felt that way before; not knowing how to push past uncomfortable feelings and just say something. Sometimes it can be so hard!!

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    1. It really is! So simple, but challenging.

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  6. inspiring. just found your blog. loving it so much.

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