How wrong to think I was anyone else, like thinking grass stains make you a beautiful view, like getting kissed makes you kissable, like feeling warm makes you coffee, like liking movies makes you a director. How utterly incorrect to think it any other way, a box of crap is treasures, a boy smiling means it, a gentle moment is a life improved.” -Daniel Handler
I've gotten to a strange point where I'm not sure what is enough.  My goals used to consist of staying good, going on a mission, getting married in the temple, going to school, writing something worth while and having babies.  Eventually.  Later.  A lot later.

Marriage sort of jumped out at me.  Seriously, I had other plans.  I was moving forward with my independent female life.  I was untamed and unwilling to be tamed.  I was off to some distant and as of yet unfamiliar land.  But then Drew came along, and without a single word of persuasion or criticism escaping from his perfectly kissable lips, he had me convinced.  I couldn't leave now.

I wasn't a fool; he was the definition of tall, dark and handsome.  He knew when to be serious and when to not.  He smiled when he saw me and listened when I spoke.  He knew the difference between "you're" and "your."  If I left, he wouldn't be available for long.  If I left, I would be gambling with the likelihood of being with the perfect man. And when it comes to matters of my heart, I have a strict no gambling policy.  Not that I gamble anyway.  I've never understood the appeal.  Casinos, gross. 

So, just like that, the goal of marriage was attained.  Completely out of nowhere and feeling surreal.  I had taken time off from college starting the year before in order to save money for my "mission."  The money I ended up actually saving was a pathetic and embarrassing amount.  That whole taking time off from college thing turned into never going back.  There was nothing specific I had been going for.  College is a lot of time and money for not having any reason to go.  Plus, Drew was in school and we needed a bread winner.  So bread win I do.  Even though I'm not sure why it's even referred to as "winner."  That's ridiculous.  Let's adjust that to bread earner, because, at least in my existence, money is earned with alarm clocks and 40 hours, not won.  Where I do nothing and then squeal and jump up and down?  Get real.

And, just like that, here I am.  I'm 22 years old.  I work full-time and have a family history calling I quite like and a primary calling that I complain to my husband about more than I should.  I don't know how I'll ever get good at making dinner.  I like sleeping in just as much as I did when I was ten, but nowadays I get out of bed when I'm supposed to.  The idea of motherhood scares me to death, but it's something I plan on jumping into eventually.  Again, later - a lot later.   I try to be good.  I don't watch R-rated movies and keep the curse words to a minimum.  I scrub my toilet on a regular basis and, with Drew's help, keep the dirty dishes from capsizing in the sink.

I'm a wife, an employee, a teacher, a daughter and a sister and an aunt.  I take pictures with my cheap camera and I write.  I've never run a marathon but I take the stairs every weekday.  I've got a heart thunking in my chest and do my best to put it to use.  I'm inherently reclusive but smile at people when they walk by - sometimes it's forced and sometimes it's not. 

I used to make a habit of looking up to heaven and asking them, "Am I enough?"  It took me a while to hear the answer, but now I understand that God made me, and therefore, I am enough.  God doesn't make an inadequate anything.  That's what humans are for.  

The question I send up to the clouds these days sounds quite similar, but means something very different to me.  Now that I know that I'm enough, now that I know I'm capable of anything that gets chucked in my direction, Is this enough?  Now that I can't deny that I heard the answer and have this knowledge in my head, now that I can't turn back without a compromised conscience, Is this enough?

Am I doing enough?  I don't know how to tell.


  1. Oh my.
    I saw a lot of myself in this post.
    Thanks for sharing, Meg.
    My nature is to work, work, work.
    Strive, strive, strive.
    And then realizing that all that working, doing good, is getting me nowhere.
    Finally saying, "I will never be perfect."
    Being frustrated.
    Then finding peace.
    Because the reality is that I can't do it on my own. Ever.
    I am in need of God's grace every day - and he so beautifully and freely gives it.
    "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not of your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." {Ephesians 2:8-9, ESV}

    1. This is a very sweet comment, and very true! Sometimes I forget. Thanks so much.

  2. I think I am really going to like following your blog. Bread earner- makes perfect sense to me. I work dang hard for this bread. I don't think we ever really know if we're doing enough. We just have to keep trying.

    1. That's true. Very true. It's never enough but we can't give up, so we just keep doing what we can even though it isn't enough. and I guess in that sense it is? Whatever, thanks!

  3. this, is an amazing post, and i'm really not quite sure what to say about it, other than i really enjoyed reading it, and i can relate to certain parts. :p :D ^_^
    so, keep on truckin', lady<3

  4. You are such a great writer. I love reading your posts. This one especially :-)

  5. I do love this one too! I get that feeling of wondering if this is enough, too.

    I think there's always more God would like for us to do. Another prayer to pray. Another person to help. Another dollar to donate. Another sacrifice to make. But above everything, I think He just wants us to be madly and crazily in love with Him. If you got that down, all goodness flows from it.

    1. You are so right. When we act out of charity, it's always good. Thanks, Lacey :)

  6. Am I enough is something I think about all the time. I'm a wife, a mother and sometimes I beat myself up thinking I'm not good enough, thinking I should be more like this person or that person or wishing I could sing and be some rockstar. Sometimes I wish I could go back and do some things differently. There are so many things I wish I could accomplish in this life that its overwhelming finding the time, money, energy to do it all. At the end of the day when I stop, take a few breaths and think about what I have, I can be honest with myself in saying that my life is beautiful, I have enough and I am enough. I have to remember "it’s not a race; it’s a journey. Enjoy the moment.” so that I don't let the precious moments that I DO have pass me by. Being the best wife and mother to my boys is my main focus right now. You just gotta do the best you know how to do and remember that you have many fans who are proud of the person you are.

  7. i seriously love everything you write. you said everything i've been thinking.


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