cold clarity.

I do my best to compare myself to myself, seeing as comparing myself to any other living creature seems only to result in self-loathing or feelings of inadequacy.

It's just that this doesn't come so effortlessly.

But when I do compare myself to myself, I see progress - even if only a small amount.  A few years ago at this time, I set out to build myself a cocoon of solitude and resentment.  I basically barricaded myself into my house that Christmas break, and very little cheer would have been found within this human frame of mine.

I've been doing my best lately, to force myself to move through discomfort.  To avoid re-construction of that old cocoon of bad habits and natural tendencies that have never done me good.  To reach out to others, in spite of it being awkward to the point of tears, as most interactions are.  Even when my reaching out seems to be less than appreciated.  Even when my efforts to make a connection only flicker and fizzle out.

I've been taking note of the fact that trees seem to celebrate Halloween while we celebrate Christmas.  Dressing up as ghosts and glowing under street lights.
All I can do is what I can do.  And although what I do, most days, only seems to be a blurry spinning of the same over and over, I'm sure it makes a dent.  Because it has to.  Because things are different now than they were at this time a few years ago.  Because, when I look back, I see some progress.  Even if only the smallest bit. 
I had a dream last night that my teeth were falling apart.  They were basically hollow and all of them kept chipping off and all I had left were empty ruins of what were once teeth.  This was devastating, and all I could say was, "But I floss!  I floss!"

I was so relieved to wake up.  Seeing the face above didn't hurt either.

"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness 
is trading what we want most 
for what we want now."


  1. I really really like this post. What a good thing to live by... Comparing yourself to yourself. Simple yet makes more sense than anything I've heard in a while! How else can one really gage one's progression?

  2. Sorry my computer is making me post this as two separate comments. But about the bit about reaching out to others, even though it might seem awkward or even go unnoticed, I think it's mainly for us. I swear every time I serve others I learn something new about myself. Or at least I feel like I've done my good turn that day. I miss our talks in the bus station!

  3. I love the part about comparing yourself to yourself. See, I tend to compare myself to others around me, but that never works out well, because everyone around me has a different story, a different life. Reaching out can be painful, but most times it’s the pain that helps us grow. Thank you so very much for following my blog!

    -Victoria Horea


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