beginning to become - August 2009

I'm young. I don't know what it is about myself that causes me to constantly believe that I'm so experienced and know everything. Lately, all I've been thinking about is how much I have yet to do, experience, accomplish, and become. I think my biggest accomplishments so far are earning my high school diploma, and getting a 24 on the ACT. Yep, look out world! When I think about it, those things are really just the start. I had to get them out of the way to actually begin my life. I really just feel completely overwhelmed with everything I'm NOT or that plan to be.

I want to be ready. I'm not completely sure for what. But whatever it is I am/will be, I wanna be a good one. A good...Megan. The thought of college terrifies me. School has never been my main talent, in any sense. I was happy to get a 2.5 GPA, while I would overhear people around me complaining about getting a single A- in that AP Study-of-Stuff-That-Megan-Will-Never-Hope-to-Understand class. I mean, what? How is it that I got up everyday, came to that fortress of white walls and endless noise that always went right over my head, and there was always a memo I didn't get? There was always something going on that somehow everyone knew about and understood. Everyone, excluding me. But that has always been my problem - I tend to think in a way where there are only two variables in life: "them" and "me." Which, apparently, "is never the case," which my counselor constantly pointed out to me in almost every one of my sessions.

I'm aware that this kind of thinking is very unrealistic. But all I can see college being at this point is a whole lot more them, and the same old me. Just on a bigger, more expensive campus. With a much bigger chance of me getting lost and/or eaten by a wild animal. Both of which can seem much more appealing than a class I find impossible. At least being eaten would provide a legitimate excuse, unlike, "Professor, I'm just incapable of success!" Teachers always disagree with that one. It's times like that when they start using the "P" word. You guessed it - potential. Oh, potential. I think the most frustrating part of that word is that it never ends. There is always more that can be done.

But enough negativity and sarcasm which seem to flow out of me so naturally. I really do feel that this is a chance I haven't had in a very long time to begin to become whoever it is I know I'm supposed to be. Who I want to be.

"I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before."

I like this feeling. I like this process of pushing away everything that's covering up the real me. I like starting over - again. It's terrifying, but I think that this time, I'll get it right. Even though I just graduated about three months ago...I feel like I'm a new person already. It's weird, and scary. But I've begun to enjoy everything - even breathing - more than I did before. It has become so much more effortless to show my real self. Someone I feel like I haven't seen in a long time.

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